Cyprus-Forum.com

[dinos]

For what it's worth, the fanny thing has to get some laughs going on the other side of the pond. I mean, we've got Fannie Mae, Fannie Farmer...hell, we've got fanny packs.

Similar thing with faggots...

are yes but the English fanny is not the same as the American fanny

i shall try to clarify eh hem American fanny = arse or ass
English fanny = vagina or pussy

when we went to Florida and saw fanny packs advertised in shops for stashing your personal effects, i fell on the floor laughing uncontrollably

Yeah, I'm familiar with the British fanny (did I say that right?)... The look of WTF when a Brit sees a fanny pack for sale is priceless every time. If only life were that easy...

[MR-from-NG]

"Unless I'm very much mistaken -- I AM very much mistaken!"

"Look up there! That's the sky!"

"Jenson Button is in the top ten, in eleventh position."

"And this is the third place car about to lap the second place car."

"This is an interesting circuit, because it has inclines. And not just up, but down as well."

"And there's the man in the green flag!"

"That's the first time he had started from the front row in a Grand Prix, having done so in Canada earlier this year."

"And he's lost both right front tires."

"Only a few more laps to go and then the action will begin. Unless this is the action, which it is."

"And there's no damage to the car. Except to the car itself."

"Mansell can see him in his earphone."

"Anything happens in Grand Prix racing, and it usually does."

"Alboreto has dropped back up to fifth place."

"As you look at the first four, the significant thing is that Alboreto is fifth."

"Do my eyes deceive me, or is Senna's Lotus sounding rough?"

"I can't imagine what kind of problem Senna has. I imagine it must be some sort of grip problem."

"I know it's an old cliche, but you can cut the atmosphere with a cricket stump."

"Alesi is in second place, and Hill is in second place."

"The lead is now 6.9 seconds. In fact, it's just under 7 seconds."

"Tambay's hopes, which were nil before, are absolutely zero now."

"This has been a great season for Nelson Piquet, as he is now known, and always has been."

"And the first five places are filled by five different cars."

"As you can see, visually, with your eyes."

"And Damon Hill is following Damon Hill."

"Michael Schumacher is leading Michael Schumacher."

"Jacques Lafitte is as close to Surer as Surer is to Lafitte."

"Jean Alesi is 4th and 5th."

"Villeneuve is now twelve seconds ahead of Villeneuve."

"Frentzen is taking, er, reducing that gap between himself and Frentzen."

"Ferrari leads, McLaren second, McLaren second, Jordan third, and Benneton fifth and sixth."

"Schumacher has made his final stop three times."

"Mansell is slowing it down, taking it easy. Oh, no he isn't! It's a lap record."

"And he's done that in a whisker under 10 seconds, call it 9.7 in round figures."

"Nigel Mansell is the last person in the race apart from the five in front of him."

"And here comes Mika Hakkinen, double world champion twice over."

"It's lap 26 of 58, which unless I'm very much mistaken is half way."

"Let's stop the startwatch."

"That's history. I say history because it happened in the past."

"And the first three cars are all Escorts, which isn't surprising as this is an all Escort race."

"I didn't see the time, largely because there wasn't one."

"Rally points scoring is twenty for the fastest, eighteen for the second fastest, right down to six points for the slowest fastest."

"I was there when I said it."

"Stewart has two cars in the top five: Magnusson 5th and Barichello 6th."

"The European drivers have adapted to this circuit extremely quickly, especially Paul Radisich who's a New Zealander."

"Of course he did it voluntarily, but he had to do it."

"The tires are called wets, because they're used in the wet. And these tires are called slicks, because they're very slick."

"You might not think that's cricket, and it's not. It's motor racing."

[MR-from-NG]

And here are some from the courtrooms.

Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
Witness: "I only have one, you know."


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Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"


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Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.



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Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
Witness: "July 15th."
Lawyer: "What year?"
Witness: "Every year."


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Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?"
Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet."
Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?"
Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it."
Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?"
Witness: "'Winchester'!"


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Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."


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Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
Witness: "Er...his face."


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Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
Witness: "I forget."
Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"


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Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
Witness: "Forty-five years."


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Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
Witness: "My name is Susan."


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Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."


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Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"
Witness: "After the accident?"
Lawyer: "Before the accident."
Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."


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Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
Witness: "Yes, sir."
Lawyer: "What did she say?"
Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"


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Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."


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Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"


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Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"
Officer: "Yes, I do."
Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"
Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."


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Lawyer: "What happened then?"
Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
Witness: "No."


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Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."


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Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"


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Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"


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Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"


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Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"


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Lawyer: "How long have you been a French Canadian?"


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Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"


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Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."
Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"


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Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
Witness: "That's me."
Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"


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Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"


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Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."
Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"


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Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
Witness: "Four times."


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Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"


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Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
Witness: "None."
Lawyer: "Were there girls?"


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Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"


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Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"


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Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"
Witness: "Not yet."


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Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."


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Lawyer: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?"
Witness: "It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm."
Lawyer: "And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?"


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Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
Witness: "Borofkin."
Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
Witness: "I can't remember."
Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"


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Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"
Witness: "No."


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Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"
Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."


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Lawyer: "What is your marital status?"
Witness: "Fair."


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Lawyer: "Are you married?"
Witness: "No, I'm divorced."
Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."


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Lawyer: "And who is this person you are speaking of?"
Witness: "My ex-widow said it.


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Lawyer: "How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?"
Witness: "Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good."


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Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."


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Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
Witness: "Yes sir."
Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"


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Lawyer: "Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
Witness: "No. This is how I dress when I go to work."


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The Court: "Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any."


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Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"
Witness: "Picking them up in the air."
Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?"
Witness: "Attached to the ears."


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Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."


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Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?"
Witness: "Oral."
Lawyer: "How old are you?"
Witness: "Oral."


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Lawyer: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?"
Witness: "She is my daughter."
Lawyer: "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?"


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Lawyer: "Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"


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Lawyer: "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?"


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Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"
Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."
Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"


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Lawyer: "Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?"
Witness: "He didn't offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture."


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Lawyer: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?"
Witness: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital."
Lawyer: "It was covered?"
Witness: "Yes, bandaged."
Lawyer: "Then, later on...what did you see?"
Witness: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head."


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Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
Witness: "I could see his head."
Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
Witness: "Just above his shoulders."


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Lawyer: "Do you drink when you're on duty?"
Witness: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk."


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Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
Witness: "The victim lived."


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Lawyer: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas."
Witness: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."


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Lawyer: "Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?"
Witness: "Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words."

[villawagen]

oh well done mrfromng !!! a few classics there !!!! murrey walker did more gaffs than all the rest put together