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[isabella_7w7]

I don't know what to do. We have been married almost 15 years and have a fourteen year old son. I love my husband with all my heart, and yes, we have had issues. Things came to a terrible head these last few days and he says he doesn't even want to work on it at all. The only hope he sees is divorce. He says that he knows that there is always hope and that anything is possible, he just doesn't see it changing. He is not really willing to work on it at all. Part of our issues were sexual and I have been working some of that out recently. However, he says that even then he doesn't feel any real "connection". I don't want to push him further away; do I keep working on the things I know I have "failed" to meet for him (especially the sexual aspects)? Is there an opportunity to build that "love bank" back by doing so over time? It is not just that issue, but also that is one of the biggest. We don't spend much time together, but that is partially a symptom of the lost love. He is still here for now and due to our son, I believe will stay awhile, but I know I need to act to recover this if there really is any hope. Please help. I just need to know if anyone has ever had a shut down partner and were able to bring back those feelings without a lot of help from them until they start to feel love again. He says he cares, just not much more than a friend and mainly only because I am the mother of his child. I do know that a lot of that is due to hurt over things in our past that we always just pushed down and never really discussed. I would greatly welcome any advice. One more thing, he does say that he enjoys the sexual acts more even though there is no connection. His statement was "I enjoyed it, but that is all, nothing is fixed."

HELP!!


My question still is - especially when now he has at least took the time to fill out the questionnaire even though he says he doesn't care to work on it - does this mean deep down he would still like it to survive or was he just trying to get his point across like about the sex or whatever? I feel like even in that case if he took the time to fill out the questionnaire he at least has to have some desire to fix it despite his protests and his lack of feelings right now. He did still call me "dear" several times this morning and actually stick around before work and discuss plans he has with a friend for their joint birthdays (a yearly thing) and he did plan it for a time we would be at church - he doesn't attend with us.

Advice please!!!

[twinkle]

Why do you think you are the failure in the relationship?? Relationships are a two way street. Give and take from BOTH sides. It seems he is still taking even though he says it's probably over.

Don't think by changing into a sex goddess things will get better. You are still sleeping together and he turns round afterwards and says "yeh, i enjoyed it but its no fix"...... I would kick that SOB out of bed so fast his hairy arse wouldn't touch the floor.

Women who beg to be taken back never succeed. Men want a challenge. I bet if you picked yourself up and proved to him you don't need him (you don't), he'd be back pretty sharpish!!! It's a difficult thing to do, but ut works. Men want what they can't have! Stop being the one trying to repair the damage if he doesn't want to fix it. It has to come from the both of you.

I've been in a situation like this a few times. The last guy ended up with a vase smashed on the bonnet of his car!!

[Niki]

Girl you need to get some respect for yourself. You are way too needy and clingy.

Tell him to "go". He is exploiting you and the situation and while you are so dependant on him he will carry on using you. Be strong - move on.

If you don't respect yourself how can you expect others to respect you?

You have to help yourself - no-one can do it for you. MOVE ON!!

[fanourıo]

i wish i had a wife like you!

[joanna]

I sooooo agree woth Twinkle. I know its not easy, been in a similar situation myself, so i understand, but seriously he is not worth it. Get over him, let him go its not as difficult as you may think

[GorillaGal]

i think i tis time to give up and stop trying so hard. he seems to have made up his mind as to wht he wants. you are living in denial, i am sorry to say. the best thing you can both do for your son is to split, and both of you find your own happiness on seperate terms. believe me, the kid knows his parents aren't happy, and this i snot a good message to send the child in the long run. stop trying to hold onto all those little things like when he calls you dear, or even if he says the sex is good. it is over, you need to come to grips with that and end it.
i have been married, and i have been divorced, and let me tell you--divorced is soooo much better! i know exactly where you are right now, because i was there too. i know it hurts now, but it will pass. life goes on, and there are a ton of new things out there waiting to make you happy and more fulfilled. don't let that man bring you down.
good luck.

[JenLawler]

Yea..You shouldn't feel like its all your fault. But i think if you reeeeeally want him back abit of hard to get could work.But maybe not Long-term.You've been togeather for sometime and i think everybody has to realy work at the relationship after so long, he musta loved you in the first place, so do things that aren't part of your rountine..Make him a meal and have candles,rose petals and nice underwear, go for a picnic in a desserted area, and be flirtatious like as if you's have just met..BUT Just think there's plenty of fish in the sea younger and better fish..And I'm telling ya know you'll have a much better time being single than trying to please that ungratful man..Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best and good luck!! Jen x

[twinkle]

Make him a meal and have candles,rose petals and nice underwear, go for a picnic in a desserted area, and be flirtatious like as if you's have just met..

I wouldn't bother. Why should you be the one begging for him back and trying everything. You have been way too easy. Play it cooler and I'm sure he'll change direction. The sooner he sees you don't need him and are happier he'll want you back. By then, hopefully, you'll have realised you don't need him and will be on to bigger and better things. Don't sell yourself short. You deserve so much more in a relationship. The guy is using you. Close the "shop" too. Why should he be getting his jollies if you're so unhappy????

[Eliko]

isabella-7w7, I was not going to enter this discussion initially nor offer any advice since you have applied for help previously and did get some responses, I am a little curious now that you have made a second appeal and would ask you for a little more information about yourself, before making any further suggestions to you (in addition to the previous ones).
Your profile indicates that you are a 'student', may I enquire as to your age and the nature of your studies?.
What is the age of your husband and what is his line of business?.
Has your situation been as it is for a long period, or is this a recent development?.
Have you any evidence to suggest that another woman may be in the background?.

I realise these questions may be a little probing and I apologise in advance should my next observation seem a little cynical. When I was a student I was up-staged by one of my peers who had an extraordinary idea which he considered might be of particular advantage
and put it into practise in order to obtain his degree, he invented a situation and tearfully sought the advice of certain professionals who supplied him with valuable assistance, unfortunately his ruse back-fired on him when his intentions were discovered, he did achieve his aims however, through his own merits.


Is it possible that YOU are in the process of some such inventive scam, your appeals are so heart-rending I can scarcely believe that anyone would tolerate such treatment.
Best wishes to you isaballa and please do accept my sincere apologies if I am in error, I am sure you are wise enough to understand the reasons for my contribution, my previous advice to you is still as it was. Good Luck.

[reportfromcyprus]

What's best for your son?