Cyprus-Forum.com

[bill cobbett]

Friend posted these elsewhere...

They are of "gripe" sheets filled in by Oz pilots to report aircraft problems to ground maintenance for resolution.

Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last:

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Paphitis]

Yes that sounds like Australian Pilots and Engineers for you.

Recently there was a Chinese Airline with an American and Australian Pilot going into Sydney but running late. The aircraft was on FINAL with the gear down about 2 minutes from touch but the time was 1102PM. Due to curfew, the Sydney Tower informed that Sydney was now closed and instructed to climb away and gave a vector for Melbourne.

The Australian Pilot came on and said "Good! Didn't want to go to Sydney anyway!"

Sydney Tower responded "looks like its your lucky day then"

Some more funny banter for you here: http://www.aviation-humour.5u.com/custom.html

Some of these are probably made up but funny nevertheless.