Cyprus-Forum.com

[cyprusgrump]

FELLAS. Stand outside an Ann Summers shop dressed in a security guard's uniform with a smoke detector in your pocket. When a fit bird walks out, simply press the smoke alarm test button and voila! A free grope!
D Clegg, Cirencester

LEPRECHAUNS. Protect your finances by investing in a tracker fund, rather than relying on an ailing currency and leaving a 300foot technicolour arrow in the sky pointing to where you have hidden it.
David Goodall

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.
P Frampton, Chichester

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a piss before the film starts.
Paul Collins

SMOKERS. 'Every cigarette you smoke takes 10 seconds off your life', health experts say. To combat this, at the end of every day work out how many seconds you have 'lost', and simply go to bed that much later, or wake up that much earlier the next morning. Hey presto! your lost time is returned.
James Powell-Brett

BARE patches on your lawn? Simply stop mowing a patch at the side and let it grow to a significant length. Then, with a rake, sweep it over the bare patch like Sir Bobby Charlton and TV's Robert Robinson do, to create a realistic look of healthy growth.
Tycho Andrews, Fulham

DISCARDED PALLETS make ideal 'designer futons' for style-conscious tramps.
Jamaal

SCRABBLE PLAYERS If you have a Q and a U, try to use the Q for words like 'Qi' or 'Qat'. This will free up the U for words like 'Bum', 'Mum' etc.
Stu

FELLAS Pretend that you are TV's Anthony McPartlin out of Ant and Dec, by looking at yourself in the back of a spoon.
Mark Hudson

BREAKFAST LOVERS Make the 'toast always lands butter side down' myth wrong by dropping your toast, then quickly buttering it before someone sees.
LJB