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[Schnauzer]

"Fascinating Forensic Facts"




Within a few hours of receiving a report of the possibility that there may have been a 'Suicide' (or other event) in a certain stretch of the 'River Thames', an all out search was under way for any evidence which may confirm such an event.

'River Police' launches with specialised equipment on board were quickly dispatched to those areas where such evidence may be found and one can only wonder at the 'Technology' which is available to our 'Police Forces' in every department, when the processes of 'Investigation' are set in motion.

To the 'Lay Person', the act of disposing of an unwanted article (or in this case, a body) in a river, might seem to be an acceptable proposition, the obvious consideration being that once it was below the surface (particularly in deep murky water) and if 'Weighted', the possibility of it's discovery is quite remote, one might even imagine that such a method of disposal is THE most suitable since rapid deterioration due to underwater currents, erosion and (if edible) 'Creatures of the Deep' would, one would assume, take care of the problem.

Such thinking may well have been fairly safe in 'Days of Old' BUT, with the advancement of 'Technology' in almost every aspect of our daily lives, 'With Extreme Caution' is the only sensible procedure when one embarks upon a criminal mission, a small error in judgement may spell the end of the most carefully laid plans.

'Underwater Detection Equipment' is 'Old Hat' in these modern times, the presence of ANY metal object is easily detected and in this particular case, the 'Weights' which facilitated the sinking of poor 'Isaac' proved to be the ultimate undoing of the carefully considered disposal of 'Isaac's' remains, since a quick 'Bleep' on the 'Sonar' immediately revealed his body.

The sodden sack was expertly retrieved by 'Police Frogmen', the contents are currently under scrutiny and what has already been discovered by the 'Forensic Analysts' is quite astounding, they have determined that the 'Postage Sack' was one which was taken from the 'Mount Pleasant Depot' in the 'King's Cross ' area, that the 'Netting' (which contained 'Isaac's body) was sourced from a manufacturer in 'Yorkshire', that the clothes in which poor 'Isaac' met his end were from various 'Clothing Shops' in the 'Finchley' area of 'North London' and that the 'Weights' were sourced from a 'Scrap Dealer' in 'Hornsey' (apparently this last fact confirmed by a 'Dealers Mark' which was a precaution against theft).

The actual Identity of the body is still awaiting confirmation, although it is assumed that the body can be associated with the 'Yarmulke' with the identification of 'Emmanuel Snitzmandorf' embroidered on the inside, the 'Blood Group' must be confirmed and the 'Dental Records' will be sought and examined before a 'Positive' identification is confirmed.

Meanwhile, the 'Rabbi' is still poring over the 'Ledger', he has made little progress with his efforts to decipher the 'Hieroglyphics' (as he is wont to refer to them) BUT, he HAS managed to aggravate himself to such a degree that the prospect of a spell in the 'Mashugana House' is not quite as remote as he jokingly referred to it earlier.

The 'Police' made another visit to the house in 'The Drive', the house was unoccupied and the front door still held shut by a wedge of newspaper jammed in the 'Locking Plate' area, they have now secured the premises and will no doubt treat the premises as a suspected 'Crime Scene', hopefully their investigations will not draw young 'Chris' into them.

As to 'Chris' (and his 'Hard Earned Cash') he has broken up the 'Wooden Box' and if the weather holds, he will be using the wood to roast his meat in the back garden, a nice shoulder of 'Lamb', a 'Greek Salad' and a bottle of 'Brandy' perhaps.

I wish I could join him.

[Schnauzer]

Your story is becoming very juicy...I mean Jewish.

I would much prefer that you should avoid making such 'a Snappy Judgement', after all, when the 'Easter Meeting' takes place, there will not be a Jew near the place and the story does not really start until after it.

[Schnauzer]

"The Mysterious Magical Mitzvah"



I felt a compelling urgency to locate 'Jimmy' when I learned of the latest developments concerning the identification of 'The Thames Torso' (as it will probably appear as 'Headlines' in the newspapers) and decided to 'Change tack' in my efforts to either locate him or possibly unearth some clue as to his whereabouts, with this in mind, I travelled to the area of 'Wood Green' in 'North London' where I knew for certain that the 'Elder' who had jurisdiction in that particular area would be relatively easy to locate, my judgement was perfectly sound and within the space of two and a half hours, I was face to face with 'Tik Al Matookas'.

Knowing that it would be a gross infringement of the rules which were strictly adhered to by all those members who lived by the 'Tenets' of the 'Code of the Brotherhood', I purposely avoided mentioning the name of the subject of my enquiry, I also avoided the mention of 'Isaac Koch' since I was quite sure that if 'I' knew of the latest news, he certainly did, so I skirted around the subject by opening the conversation with the comment "Today is a very Special Day, and I am sure you aware of the fact" to which he replied "Indeed it IS and I doubt if you are fully aware of just HOW special".

His reply threw me a little off track and I was left wondering what the significance of his comment was, I did not have to wait long for his next remarks "Today is the 2nd day of the week, the 13th day of the month and the 3rd month of the year,since the combined numbers of this day add up to 18 and the 1 and the 8 equal '9', it follows that anything of any great significance that happens on this day MUST be viewed with optimism. The 13th is in itself a portent of good fortune to We members of 'The Brotherhood' and overall, any event which has taken, or is about to be taken this day is therefore bound to be a good 'Mitzvah' In our opinion".

I then engaged him in a conversation which relayed to him my concerns about the well being of one of my close friends, he assured me that he would see to it that my good wishes and concerns would be delivered to him within the hour and I left my phone number with 'Tik Al Matookas' and departed.

Actually, it was 'Tik' that first explained to me the great importance of belief in the 'Magical Powers' of 'Numerology' and the dismissal of 'Tridecaphobia' within 'The Brotherhood', the theory IS, that by acting positively with one and negatively with the other, one develops the ability to deal with good fortune and bad luck with the same display of emotions.

I am not quite sure that 'I' am convinced, although I have witnessed some quite extraordinary events wherein such beliefs have been evident.

As to 'Mitzvah', the word itself is connected to '613', 'The Brotherhood' revere THAT number since the '6' inverted is a '9' and is followed by the 'Magical' number '13' and a good 'Mitzvah' is associated (according to their OWN terminolgy) as a 'Good Deed' coupled with 'Good Luck'.

I am confident that I will be hearing from 'Jimmy' very soon, I am sure that all must be well with him since 'Tik Al Matookas' showed no signs of distress when (I am certain) he realised just who I was seeking.

Tonight I will sleep soundly BUT, I doubt if the 'Rabbi' will.

[Schnauzer]

I received a call from 'Jimmy' last evening, he assured me that all was in order and that the reason for his sudden disappearance and lack of communication was of vital importance if the 'Clean Up' operations after the event were to be completed without a hitch, he was well aware of the fact that the 'Police' had fished 'Isaac' out of the 'Thames' but was not in the least concerned that their enquiries might lead to his arrest, (much less the arrest of any others involved).

A little later, 'Jimmy' and I were comfortably seated in my basement apartment in 'Sloane Square' discussing his adventures.

Every vestige of evidence which could in any way connect 'The Brotherhood' to the 'Crime', had been meticulously destroyed and the only concern he had was that the 'Police' might be able to identify the 'Boat' used in the escapade.

One should be aware that it is quite foolish to assume that ANY vessel could navigate the 'Thames' without detection, the installation of 'Surveillance Cameras' and other 'Security Devices' are of paramount importance along the entire length of the 'Thames' and it is quite likely that it will not be long before a positive identification is made, however, realising this fact, 'Jimmy' has supplied the owner of the vessel with all the relevant paperwork necessary to complete a legitimate 'Contract of Hire' (filled in by an obscure scribe) and, since the 'Owner' is a member of 'The Brotherhood', the possibility of tracing the 'Hirer's' through the examination of such documents is extremely unlikely.

Another matter of some concern in matters of 'Identification' were the two vehicles used in the process, both had been taken to a scrapyard and 'Crunched' out of existence, they were of little value and just another 'Link' which might prove to be 'Weak' in the process of investigation by the 'Police', in any case, the 'Keys' of 'Isaac Koch' were in 'Jimmy's' possession and the value of THEM (coupled with the information wrung out of 'Isaac' whilst 'Jimmy' questioned him during his period of captivity 'Prior' to the 'Trial) will more than compensate for the loss of the two vehicles.

It had occurred to 'Jimmy' that the same 'Surveillance Devices' (as were earlier mentioned) would also be present at any of the 'Quays' along the river's route, therefore, it was only good sense to ensure that the vehicles were suitably disposed of, the actual 'Ownership' of the vehicles was obscure since they (in common with any other vehicles owned by 'The Brotherhood) were registered under false names although always properly taxed and insured since 'The Brotherhood' is minded to comply with the 'Law' wherever it suits their purpose to so do.

If the 'Rabbi' knew of the REAL circumstances surrounding the missing fortune of 'Emmanuel Snitzmandorf', he would surely slam the 'Ledger' shut, shriek a curse to the heavens and prepare for his admission to the 'Mashugana House', for the truth IS, 'Jimmy' is in possession (at least has the means to be) of it ALL, he had extracted the necessary information needed to lay hold of it when 'Isaac' was pleading for his life (as mentioned earlier) fully aware that there is little profit in being a 'Multi Millionaire' if you are not alive to enjoy the virtues of such a position, 'Jimmy' explained to him that, since his fortune was gained 'Dishonestly' (and the fact that 'Isaac' had spent the greater part of his life 'Cheating' people every time he dealt with them proved that it was) it was forfeit since he had taken 'The Oath of The Brotherhood' and therefore knew of the seriousness and extent of his disobedience to that 'Oath'.

Every statement made by 'Isaac' during his period of interrogation was carefully checked by 'Jimmy', he had grown to know the nature of the 'Scurrilous Rat' that was under his authority as 'Superior Elder', he also knew of the ambitions of him since the 'Word' of 'Titus A'Canardes-Derriere' was beyond reproach and confirmed such ambition, therefore, he was able to test the nerve of his captive to it's full extent.

Knowing of the decreed outcome for his 'Crimes', it was only a matter of time before 'Isaac' realised that his best course of action was to relinquish his rights (if any) to his ill-gotten gains BUT, not to be subjected to the reproach that they were given up freely, he pleaded with 'Jimmy' for a 'Deal', that his life should be spared if he agreed to reveal the whereabouts of his fortune.

After some consideration, 'Jimmy' informed 'Isaac' that the penalty for his act of intended 'Treason' was written into the 'Codes' of 'The Brotherhood', that the penalty (although NEVER yet carried out) was 'Death by Hanging' and it was a matter of 'Honour' among 'The Brotherhood' that the sentence of 'Death' be carried out, however, since there was no precedent to the crimes 'Isaac' had committed, 'Jimmy' assured 'Isaac' that he would have to suffer the indignity of having the 'Noose' placed around his neck BUT, he would NOT be 'Hanged', that 'Jimmy' would propose to the 'Elders of the Forty Nations' that the 'Symbolic' act of placing the 'Noose' around his neck, should satisfy the terms of the relevant 'Code'.

The assurances of 'Jimmy' were acceptable to 'Isaac' and he revealed everything.

We are well aware of the outcome of the 'Trial', we know of the manner in which 'Isaac' was subsequently dispatched and we may question whether it was 'Just' (after certain assurances from 'Jimmy) that Isaac should have been disposed of, well, in fact, 'Jimmy' is worthy of some praise for the manner in which he managed to 'Outfox the Fox' ('Isaac'), for he DID in fact keep his word and spared 'Isaac' the 'Death by Hanging' required by the 'Code', he DID place the 'Noose' around 'Isaacs' neck and 'Isaac' was NOT actually 'Hanged', he was 'Drowned' instead.

One could attribute the wisdom of 'Jimmy's' trickery to that of 'King Solomon', quite appropriate under the circumstances.

[Schnauzer]

"To Hatch the Golden Egg"




Young 'Chris' was sitting over the embers of the fire he had made of the 'Wooden Box' which he had discovered under the floor of the house in 'The Drive', he had finished his 'Souvla' and was sipping a glass of 'Brandy' as he leaned back in the comfortable 'Garden Lounger' deep in thought, it was a pleasant evening and his mind wandered back to the days, not so long ago, when he first ventured from his homeland 'Greece' and settled in the vicinity of 'Larnaka' in 'Cyprus'.

He found himself a job in one of the small factories which are dotted around the back streets close to the 'Town Centre' and within easy walking distance of the 'Tourist Area' and the 'Seafront' which attracts them so, it was here that he met 'Marina' who was on holiday with her parents, they were originally from Cyprus but left the country and settled in England many years ago.

It was quite by chance that 'Chris' encountered her, he was not usually on the seafront in the daytime, his workplace was being extended into the premises next to it and consequently he was obliged to take a few days off.

A couple of young 'British Tourists' (who had obviously been drinking) were noticeably bothering her and 'Chris' could see that she was not happy with the situation, her Father and Mother were a little further along the 'Seafront' and 'Marina' had stopped to purchase an 'Ice Cream', the two young men were asking her for a 'Lick' and one of them took hold of her arm, she immediately shied away and at that point, 'Chris' called out in Greek "Take your hands off my Sister you dirty Dogs!" and he rushed to her assistance, the two youngsters backed off and 'Chris' dutifully took the arm of 'Marina' whilst casting a scowl at the two ruffians, he then led her to the safe custody of her parents.

His gallantry was much appreciated and he was invited to spend the rest of the day in their company during which time 'Chris' gained much favour due to his good manners and consideration for 'Marina's' safety, it was only to be expected that 'Chris' and 'Marina' would become close friends and that their feelings for each other would develop during the 10 days before the end of the family holiday, it was only natural that 'Chris', being a young and adventurous person, should leap at the opportunity of moving to England in order to continue his friendship with 'Marina' and her family, it was only a matter of time before the 'Friendship' became a 'Courtship' and now, as 'Chris' relaxed in the garden and remembered the past, he reasoned that it was time to consider the proposal of 'Marriage'.

The recent ill treatment that 'Chris' had received from the 'Rabbi', the meanness of him and the manner in which he had so casually assumed that he could freely reduce payment for an honest man's labour, weighed heavily on the mind of 'Chris', the 'Rabbi' had shown no respect for him, he had broken his promises, he had robbed him of a measly ten pounds and THAT was the most hurtful deed of all.

Forget about the 'Wooden Box' and the good fortune that attended it's discovery, that was not the 'Gift' of the 'Rabbi', it was a sign from the 'Almighty' that I should not allow myself to be fooled by false promises, that I should be wary of those who would seek to exploit me, that I should punish this evil grasping excuse for a 'Holy Man' BUT, "How to do it?", thought 'Chris' as he poured himself another glass .

Whether it was the effect of a little too much 'Brandy' or the memory of the 'Rabbi' hunched over the 'Ledger' whilst HE was sweating to cover up the evidence of the 'Rabbi's' search for hidden treasure, 'Chris' KNEW that there must be a vast fortune hidden somewhere, why else would the 'Rabbi' have been so delighted when he learned of the 'Gold and Silver' written in the 'Ledger'?, furthermore, 'Chris' had SEEN the figures in the 'Ledger' in the fleeting moment that he had read the words, it would be pure 'Justice' if he could devise some plan to 'Rob the Master Thief'.

With such thoughts in his mind, 'Chris' rose from the 'Garden Lounger' and made his way back to his flat in order to formulate his plan, he had an idea, it was risky BUT, if it worked, it would be well worthwhile.

Back in HIS home, the 'Rabbi' was still struggling to make sense of the 'Coded Messages' in the 'Ledger', he had made no progress whatsoever and was most concerned with the thoughts that he may have to seek help from some other person who MIGHT be able to assist him in deciphering the 'Code', "How to do it without them knowing what it all means?, what kind of 'Share' will they expect ?, that little 'Rat', why did he have to be so sneaky?, I just can't work it out !"

[Schnauzer]

"An Advance Proposition"




Young 'Chris' (and let us establish his age at 24 years) picked up the phone and asked 'Marina' if she would be willing to come to his flat for a visit in the evening, he informed her that he had something very important to discuss with her and assured her that he would pick her up at her home and deliver her safely back with the full consent of her Father (if he would allow it).

Such was the amount of 'Trust and Respect' he had earned during their relationship both with her and her Parents, 'Marina' indicated that she would like to, subject to her Father's approval which she would seek as soon as she got home from work.

One of the most endearing qualities possessed by 'Marina', (a virtuous young Lady of 22 years) is that she is totally obedient to the wishes of her Family, although she was born in Cyprus (during a period of time when her Father and Mother returned to live there for three years) the greater part of her life has been spent in England BUT, she has inherited (or more likely been taught) the natural respect so evident in the 'Typical' family environment of the Cypriot community in the days before 'Modern Madness' took a hold on the minds and actions of the younger generation.

The fact that she managed to resist the influence of the less respectable modes of behaviour pursued by the other young folk she has been obliged to associate with during her lifetime, has produced the person she now is, an asset and credit to her Family and a source of 'Pride' to the Parents that raised her.

Naturally, having been raised in England, 'Marina' has become far more 'Anglicized' than have her parents, she speaks the language without a trace of 'Old World' accent and has a responsible job in the 'Civil Services' which necessitated a high level of education in order for her to attain such a position, truly a fine 'Prize' for any young man fortunate enough to win her affections and, young 'Chris' with HIS characteristics, 'Fits the Pistol' nicely even though he does not yet possess much knowledge of either the 'Language' or the 'Social Graces' that are deemed necessary in 'Polite Society' BUT, no doubt his association with 'Marina' will soon rectify such a small deficiency.

Having satisfied himself that his request might be accepted, 'Chris' carefully cleaned his flat, he did not want to give the impression that he was incapable of looking after himself, rather, he wished to impress 'Marina' that he would not prove to be a burden to her SHOULD she accept his proposal of marriage at a later date, this was to be her first visit to his flat and the subject matter he wanted to discuss with her was rather difficult to broach without owning to his dishonesty, he hoped that she would understand the 'Injustice' he felt he had received whilst in the clutches of the 'Rabbi' and, that she would understand his reasons for now seeking 'Revenge' for it, he would not have long to wait.

When 'Chris' arrived to pick up 'Marina', he was greeted with affection by her Parents, the Father took 'Chris' to one side and quietly obtained assurances that his Daughter would be treated with the utmost respect, he was satisfied that 'Chris' would not overstep the boundaries of the 'Trust' that now existed between them and he knew that 'Chris' would not wish to tarnish that 'Trust, before leaving the home of 'Marina', 'Chris' was invited to "Eat something Sonny" by the Father, after which they left.

On entering the flat, 'Marina' cast her eyes around and immediately observed that 'Chris' was as respectable in his home as he was out of it, she felt quite comfortable with him and asked if he would like her to make him a coffee, 'Chris' eagerly accepted and soon after were sitting opposite each other across the kitchen table.

Placing his arms on the table and leaning toward 'Marina' he opened the conversation speaking in his native tongue (which 'Marina' fully understood) and his first 'Topic' was directed toward the manner in which he had first encountered the 'Rabbi', he DID elaborate a little when he broached the subject of 'Promises' BUT, he felt it necessary to do so in order that the NEXT part of the discussion (which would deal with the harsh treatment and act of meanness by the 'Rabbi') would lend weight to the reason for his OWN act of dishonesty.

He had the full attention of 'Marina' as he related the story to her and was pleased to note that she seemed to have a degree of sympathy for him, indeed, when he spoke of the 'Meanness' of the 'Rabbi', she rocked back in her chair and remarked that there was little point in expecting anything else from a JEW, which further pleased 'Chris' who now felt that THIS might be the right time to include the discovery of the 'Wooden Box' and the nasty attitude the 'Rabbi' had adopted when he imposed even more pressure upon him.

When 'Chris' related this last event to 'Marina', she just sat back in her chair and stared at 'Chris' in disbelief, she then leaned towards him and began to laugh at the manner in which he had described the entire scenario, she complimented him on way he had arrived at the 'Crucial' end of the story by such a 'Circuitous' route, she commented that such a presentation was worthy of even the craftiest Jew and she slapped the table with both hands.

"And do you suppose, that if the 'Rabbi' had found the 'Wooden Box', he would have given it to you?" she wiped her eyes as she continued "Are you telling me that you have ALL that money and nobody knows about it?, Wow!!, good luck to you and for God's sake don't let anyone one else know about it but WHY have you told me?.

'Chris' then went on to explain his reasons which firstly were his concerns that she would condemn him as a 'Thief' and secondly that if she did not (which she obviously hadn't) she would consider assisting him in the formulation of a plan which might exact suitable vengeance upon the 'Rabbi' for 'Cheating' him of the 'Ten Pounds'.

The final comments made by 'Chris' produced more laughter from 'Marina', she looked him in the eyes and KNEW that the small act of 'Disloyalty' to his word by the 'Rabbi', was of more significance to 'Chris' than the money he had found, if the 'Rabbi' had no knowledge of it, then he would not grieve over it BUT, if 'Chris' (and 'Marina') could devise a plan that would relieve him of a large sum of money that he WOULD have knowledge of, then THAT would hurt and THAT would satisfy 'Chris'.

And so, now we have reached a point where the 'Rabbi' is STILL wiping the sweat and mist from his thick glasses as he pores over the elusive solution to the puzzle he has harnessed himself with, if he knew of the 'Plot' that is taking shape to cause him even more distress, he would certainly be standing at the door of the 'Mashugana House' pleading to be let in.

[Schnauzer]

"A Seed to the Tree of Greed"




Bearing in mind the fact that 'Chris' had no knowledge of 'Isaac Koch' nor had he ever 'Knowingly' had any contact with 'The Brotherhood' (many HAVE without actually knowing) he had very little information that might assist him in devising a plan of vengeance, however, what he DID know was that the 'Ledger' was of great importance to the 'Rabbi's' quest to discover the whereabouts of an enormous but hidden 'Treasure', he had also observed the urgency displayed by the 'Rabbi' when the matter of concealing the evidence of his frantic search was given to HIM, he had SEEN the vast amounts of money entered in the 'Ledger', he had witnessed the apparent anxiety of the 'Rabbi' as he studied the 'Ledger and had heard him mumbling curses because of his inability to understand the 'Hieroglyphics' (which word he actually blurted out quite frequently whilst deep in thought) and it was quite obvious that the house did not belong to the 'Rabbi' since he did not have a key to the door.

Therefore, the FIRST priority must be to discover who actually DID own the house and, if possible, gather as much information as possible about such person.

Both 'Chris' and 'Marina' agreed that it was quite likely that the owner might have passed away and that the 'Rabbi' had been entrusted with the task of distributing the owner's assets to the 'Next of Kin', there were certain things about the house which did not support such assumptions however, such as the general condition of it, it was by no means in poor repair, it did not appear to be the home of a very elderly person and there was no evidence of any 'Clearance of Rubbish' in the 'Skip' outside, an additional source of suspicion that something very 'Odd' was going on.

'Marina' suggested that she should take charge of the initial stages of the plan, she would find out (through the correct channels) who was the owner of the property, when she had secured such information, she would contact several 'Rabbis' in the London area and enquire of them if they KNEW the owner, she hoped (that by using such a ruse) she could inform each one of them that she had contacted a few before them with no luck and thereby allay any suspicion when FINALLY, she would phone OUR 'Rabbi' and tearfully inform him that he was the sixth or seventh 'Rabbi' she had spoken to hoping to make contact.

The idea proved to be as good in practise as it sounded in planning, it took 'Marina' only a few minutes to come up with the name of 'Emmanuel Snitzmandorf', a couple of hours later and she knew his 'Date of Birth', 'Place of Birth', 'Marital Status' and a host of other useful items which might convince the 'Rabbi' of the authenticity of any enquiry she made about him.

There was no 'Next of Kin', he had no debts and all his household bills were paid via 'Direct Debits' from a small account held in a bank in Finchley, he was registered as a 'General Dealer' and as far as could be ascertained, had no 'Criminal Record', he did not own a vehicle (unless he was using the same scam as in 'The Brotherhood) and so and so and so, quite amazing just how much information may be gleaned from the correct 'Government Departments', none of us are safe these days.

The 'Rabbi' answered his phone and heard the voice of an obviously distraught young lady enquiring if by any chance he knew of a person by the name of 'Emmanuel Snitzmandorf', "I have tried so many 'Rabbi's' in an effort to find him, none of them have been able to help me and it is most important, he left me with some papers and has not been back to collect them" the 'Rabbi' paused for a moment and replied, "I don't think I can help you my dear, but if you can give me your phone number, I will make enquiries and call you back", which was exactly the response 'Marina' had hoped for, "Oh Sir" she said, I cannot do that, I am afraid that someone might overhear me, I am calling from a call box and 'Manny' (note the cleverness here) never did like anyone to know too much about his business, I AM sorry to have troubled you, may I call you back a little later?".

The 'Rabbi thought for a few seconds, "Yes my dear, if you can call me in about an hour or so, I might be able to help" and he put down the phone BUT, he immediately picked it up and began frantically dialling the other 'Rabbi's' in surrounding areas, to each he asked the same question and, having received confirmation that a seemingly anxious young lady was seeking 'Emmanuel Snitzmandorf' he waited for the phone to ring.

It rang quite a few times during the next three hours, (well, so it should, HE being a 'Rabbi') each time it rang after the first hour, he grabbed the phone in expectation of the young lady's voice and with each disappointment became more anxious, "Oh WHY do I have to be so suspicious about everything, she might have vital information, she might even KNOW where the little 'Rat' hides his goods, my nerves are wrecked, ring back, ring BACK!" and he kept on muttering and chastising himself until, another two calls and 'BINGO', the call he was expecting finally came.

"Where have you BEEN!" the 'Rabbi' blurted as soon as the young lady re-introduced herself "For THREE HOURS I've been expecting your call which you promised would be in one", then realising he may sound over anxious, he calmed down and said "I DO know 'Emmanuel Snitzmandorf' but you must understand that it is not policy to give out personal information without thinking about it first, I have been sitting here considering how distressed you seemed, I'm sorry, I should have told you straight away, now my dear, how may I help you?".

"Well Sir" replied 'Marina', 'Manny' did a lot of business with my Father and they were supposed to meet up last week and clinch a very big deal, 'Manny' gave me a 'Key' to a storage unit and there are a lot of packing cases to be collected by the people that 'Manny, and my Father were dealing with, I am supposed to collect a book from his house but I lost the details about where he put it and I can't remember which house he left it in, I have four addresses and it could be any one of them, can you please tell 'Manny' that I am so sorry, I just don't know what to do".

"You said you had some papers of his, do you know what they are and if they are important?" asked the 'Rabbi' "Oh yes Sir" replied 'Marina' "I know they are very important because 'Manny' said he always keeps a copy of them in the bank in case they are lost, the 'Book' is of no use without them he said".

The 'Rabbi' was seated in front of his desk, he suddenly developed an uncontrollable spasm in his right leg and the nerves caused his knee to vibrate quite violently, "Can you give me the papers and I will see to it that he gets them" ventured the 'Rabbi', "Oh no Sir" replied 'Marina' if Manny does not turn up with the 'Book' and the balance of cash, all the packing cases may be taken away, that is why I MUST find him, my Father has gone to Australia and he left me to do the business here, he left me with a large sum of money, Manny was going to supply 75% of the cash and I have my Fathers share to give to him".

"So how much cash is your Father's share?" asked the 'Rabbi' "Oh Sir, I should not tell you but I am so afraid of losing the deal, 'Manny' said it will be worth a fortune" and here 'Marina' gave a heavy sigh "Oh my dear" continued the 'Rabbi', you can tell me, I have often looked after 'Manny's' affairs whilst he has been away, how much is your Father putting into the deal?" the 'Rabbi's' eyes were open wider than his mouth as he waited for the reply "Well Sir" said 'Marina' "I suppose it will do no harm to tell you, I have One Hundred Thousand Pounds in cash" and the 'Rabbi's' knee broke into double time when he received the news.

"Phone me back Tomorrow" said the 'Rabbi' "I might be able to help you, even if we can't find 'Manny', providing we can find the 'Book' and you have the papers to go with it, we can probably sort it all out".

"Thank you Sir" said 'Marina', "I will call you in the afternoon, Good-Bye" and the 'Rabbi' pressed down on his knee to stop it trembling, it was vibrating so strongly that if the energy could be harnessed, it would be sufficient to supply the electricity for half of London Town.

[Schnauzer]

"Deals on Wheels"




True to her word, 'Marina' contacted the 'Rabbi' but THIS time she sounded less stressed and simply asked if there was any news from 'Manny', the 'Rabbi' was slightly taken aback by her tone, the urgency seemed to have diminished and he could not quite understand the reason for it, "I haven't heard a word, nobody has seen 'Hide or Hair' of him for weeks, it's plotzing" said the 'Rabbi' there was a short silence and 'Marina' replied "It does not really matter any more, I have found his 'Book' and if he does not turn up, I will just have to let the deal slip, it's not my fault although my Father will be very annoyed about it, he and 'Manny' were in a 'Joint Venture' because 'Manny' wanted to become 'Legitimate' for once in his life".

"You say his 'BOOK' has been found?" questioned the 'Rabbi' "And how did you manage that?", 'Marina answered "Oh it was quite easy really, I took the liberty of opening an envelope which was among the papers I have, there was a copy of the one I lost and it had all the details of the house it was in and where it was hidden, I went there last night and would have phoned you but thought it was a bit late" the 'Rabbi' crouched over the phone and said "Well, why didn't you call me this morning if that was the case?, you must have known that I would be interested", and he wiped his brow with his left hand whilst the phone began to wobble in his right.

"I'm sorry" replied 'Marina', I had a very late night and have only just found the time to call, I have not been to work today and have just had a bite to eat in a Cafe close to my workplace, I MUST go in to make my excuses for my absence and I really did not think that you wished to be bothered with 'Manny's problems".

"Not so!" replied the 'Rabbi', "If 'Manny' is in some kind of difficulty I consider it my 'Duty' to help him, he has been a good friend to me for years and I would not like to stand by and do nothing if he needed help, you say you have his 'Book'?, what kind of a 'Book' is it?, have you read it?" he enquired.

"oh several times" replied 'Marina' "It is his record of business dating back many years, actually from the days when he first started dealing, he used to keep his accounts in writing BUT, since he went into business with my Father, everything is in the form of 'Print Outs' from my Father's computer, it is a much more accurate system and there are fewer mistakes, may I call you tomorrow morning in case 'Manny' does appear?"

"Wait, wait a moment" answered the 'Rabbi' "What are you going to do about the deal if 'Manny' does not turn up?, you say your Father will be upset about it, is it such a 'GOOD' deal, what do you know about it and is there anything I can do to help?".

"Well Sir" replied 'Marina', "As far as I know, my Father set up an 'Exchange Deal' with a person whom he has been dealing with for years, he is also a 'Coin Dealer' and his partner died, he is obliged to dispose of a considerable amount of 'Gold Coins' and 'Scrap Gold' which has not been properly passed through the 'Dealer's' accounts, in exchange for a couple of crates of 'Legitimate Merchandise' and 'Four Hundred Thousand Pounds', 'Manny' and my Father will receive the 'Scrap Gold' and crates of 'Gold Coins' which have not been legitimised, the estimated difference in values will realise a profit in excess of 'Six Hundred Thousand Pounds' and my Father can easily pass that sum through HIS accounts since he is a properly registered 'Coin Dealer' in this country".

The 'Rabbi's mind was buzzing as he asked "If anything happened to 'Manny', what would become of his 'Goods' if he is, as you say, in 'Partnership with your Father?" and 'Marina answered "I imagine they would become the property of the company which has been established by them, I'm not really sure, all I know is that I have 'One Hundred Thousand Pounds', my Father's share, and I am afraid the deal will fall through because 'Manny' can't be found and I will end up being blamed for it".

"Are you in a position to negotiate this deal if someone other than 'Manny' were to supply the necessary funds" asked the 'Rabbi' to which 'Marina' replied "I probably COULD, but the whole procedure of exchange would have to be changed since 'Manny' must be the holder of the 'Merchandise' after the deal is done, if some other person entered into the arrangement and put up the bulk of the cash, it would only be fair that THAT person should be in possession and, where to find anyone that could be trusted in a situation like that?".

The answer 'Marina' got was exactly the one she hoped for, "Would you trust a 'Rabbi' with such a deal?".

"Oh Sir, with my LIFE" replied 'Marina' "I am sure you would be a brilliant partner for my father if you are able to raise that kind of cash, as for 'Trust', I will give YOU the money I have and we can arrange the delivery and collection between ourselves, but we STILL will have a problem, it will have to be done in such a fashion that only you and I know what is in the crates, you see, 'Manny' has a trustworthy friend who drives for him, HE was going to do the exchanges and I do not know of anyone with a van who could be relied upon to do the job".

"I think I may be able to solve THAT problem too" said the 'Rabbi', "I will test your sincerity by sending a young chap to pick up your money, you must arrange where and when you would like to meet him and where he must go to deliver the money which I will add to yours, he will pick up the 'Merchandise' and deliver it to me, if you are prepared to accept these terms, WE have a deal".

"Absolutely Sir" replied 'Marina' "When would you like to arrange for the money to be sent to you, have you someone in mind who can be trusted?".

"Absolutely to you" replied the 'Rabbi' "Phone me back in about one hour BUT, make sure it IS one hour this time, I don't think I could stand another bout of aggravation", then the 'Rabbi' phoned 'Chris'.

"Hello my boy" said the 'Rabbi' when 'Chris' answered the phone, "I was wondering if you are busy this evening, I have a little driving job I'd like you to do for me if you are free".

"Oh" said 'Chris' "Just I was hoping you was to give me some work when I hear you voice, I thing so I haf to do him if his to help for you, where is this place you want for me to go?".

The 'Rabbl' chuckled at 'Chris's accent and said "If you can come to my house in about an hours time, I will give you all the details, I don't think it will take you long, I need to have a parcel picked up tonight and I may have another couple of jobs for you tomorrow".

The 'Rabbi' sat back in his chair, his knee was beginning to vibrate again, he is quite a 'Twitchy' old bastard, especially when he gets the smell of a few quid and if he gets a sniff of 'One Hundred Thousand Pounds' tonight, he will be sure to get a good night's sleep dreaming about 'GOLD'.

The phone rang and the 'Rabbi' grabbed it, "Hello" he said and his eyes lit up as 'Marina' asked if he had managed to find a 'Driver' worthy of the task, he informed her that he had and that the young chap was expected any minute, he asked if the money was well parcelled up and asked where it was to be picked up from.

"Everything is in order" replied 'Marina'"Tell the driver to meet me outside 'The Rosemary Branch' public house on the corner of 'Shepperton Road' in Islington, I will phone you again in about half an hour and you can tell me what kind of van he is driving, I will show him where he will have to go when the next part of the deal takes place, have you got the details?"

2Yes ,Yes" said the 'Rabbi' "Outside the 'Rosemary Branch' on the corner of 'Shepperton Road' in 'Islington', it should not be difficult for him to find, I will speak to you later".

Young 'Chris' arrived shortly after, he set his 'Sat Nav' for 'Shepperton Road' and set off in his 'White van' with his name 'Christos Michael' emblazoned on each side, 'Marina' phoned the 'Rabbi' for information about the van and said she would phone again when the parcel was handed over, the 'Rabbi' was 'Twitching' again.

'Chris went straight to 'Marina's' house, she was waiting by the gate and she quickly got into the van, they had decided that the best plan was to actually make the trip to 'Islington' since the 'Rabbi' might put a 'Spy' out, in any case, 'Chris' would probably get the 'Third Degree' treatment when he got back, better to be safe than sorry.

'Chris' dropped 'Marina' a short distance from the pub, she made her way quickly to the collection point, there were one or two people outside the pub and 'Marina' felt a little uneasy, after all, she WAS carrying a lot of money.

Knowing that 'Marina' might be a bit worried, 'Chris' made haste to meet her, he took the parcel and told her to go back to where he dropped her off, he picked her up again and they made a quick circuit of the area in order that 'Chris' would be able to describe the place if questioned, then, back to 'Marina's' house to be dropped off, back to the 'Rabbi' and the job was done.

The 'Rabbi' DID ask 'Chris about the location, he also asked probing questions about the Lady who gave him the parcel, 'Chris' gave an inaccurate description of her but did say that she was a very nice Lady and sent her best wishes to him.

"Now my boy" said the 'Rabbi' "How much do I owe you for the trip?", he did not quite understand the 'Dark Look' he received in response to his question, he took it to mean that 'Chris' was too shy to name his price BUT, the reality was that 'Chris' had sworn to himself that he would never again take money from the hand of this disgusting person.

"No, No, No" said 'Chris' "You be very good for me, I no take anything, maybe nexty time I have some".

The 'Rabbi' did not insist, he was in a hurry for 'Chris' to leave so that he could start 'Drooling' over the cash he had and dreaming about how much more was to come, 'Marina' phoned about an hour later, he was gleefully counting the money when the phone rang and he said he was so glad that everything was going according to plan.

As we leave him 'Twitching' and 'Slobbering' over the cash (which a few days ago was under his feet unknown to him) 'Chris' is seated on a comfortable settee with his arm draped affectionately around his lovely 'Marina', they are both so happy with their day's work.

[Schnauzer]

"Shabbat Shmabbat"





Probably one of the easiest things the 'Rabbi' had ever done in his life, was to raise the 'Capital' he needed to invest in the 'Venture' he was eager to become party to, he merely contacted a few of his associates and offered them a proposal that he knew they would not refuse, he advised them that he was about to buy into an extremely lucrative 'Deal' (although he did not divulge much information) which would realise a handsome profit almost immediately, he further 'Guaranteed that the return on their investment would be 'Ten Percent' within 'Two Weeks'.

He had carefully selected the persons he made such an offer to since, he was aware that some of them dealt in 'Diamonds' and were frequent visitors to the merchants of 'Hatton Gardens' where the sums of money he required from the selected few, were of little consequence providing the return was good.

Actually, he could quite easily have raised far more money than he actually needed due to the fact that these associates (in keeping with their normal business practises) HAD to be able to lay their hands on considerable amounts of 'Cash In order to survive in the competitive businesses they were in.

The very assurances given to them by the 'Rabbi' that their monies would be perfectly safe, was an added incentive for them to grant his request for financial assistance and those that DID offer, clamoured to advance more than he required.

The 'Rabbi' decided that the fairest way to deal with the problem of selection, was to restrict the number of backers to 'SIX', each of them would be invited to contribute 'Fifty Thousand Pounds' and would receive 'Fifty Five' back in two weeks.

The 'Rabbi' had calculated that if the return on the proposed 'Venture' was to be (as suggested) at least i50%, then HIS ultimate expectation of personal 'Profit' would be at least 'One Hundred and Twenty Thousand Pounds' (possibly more) and he had not had to use a penny of his OWN money!, "Not a bad sum for a day's work" he said to himself as he sat back in his chair and caressed his beard, "And who can tell?, this time next year 'Please God', if I can gain the favour of 'Manny's partner. and there is no reason why I can't, perhaps I might find myself in an even Better position, such a life eh', the biggest problem I will have to worry me, is WHERE to find something to worry about" and he chuckled at the thoughts he was having.

All that was necessary now, was to collect the cash and parcel it up so that 'Chris' would have no idea about what he was carrying, OR what he was about to pick up in return for it, he was sure the young Lady would take care of that detail and busied himself with the preparations required of HIM, today was 'Shabbat' and accordingly no such activities as were in progress should be taking place BUT, 'Under such circumstances" the 'Rabbi' thought, "And why should I be so different from the others, THEY will also be in breach" and with such dismissive thoughts, he once again sat back in his chair holding his right hand in his left and squeezing it quite tightly, his knee began to 'Twitch' slightly before developing into an uncontrollable 'Vibration' again, it always did when he was seated and had things on his mind, he stared blankly out of the widow, laid back to reduce the 'Twitching' and awaited the arrival of his 'Backers' and their 'Cash'.

Please God they arrive before he ends up shaking himself to death.

[Schnauzer]

"Geschaft and Shemozzles don't mix"




The 'Rabbi' had received his expected visitors, each laden with their contribution to the 'Deal' and each in turn attempting to extract some information about what kind of 'Deal' it might be, each of them were told that the least said about it the more likely it's success But, that there monies were safe and their profits guaranteed.

The 'Rabbi' was now faced with the prospect of packing the cash and had already calculated that a strong cardboard box that he had in his garage, would be ideal for his purposes, it was well constructed, riveted on all edges and had contained rather expensive articles originally, it's dimensions of 3o x30 x 50 cm's , would be more than enough to contain the cash and he had already calculated the the actual 'Weight' of the box and it's contents would be less than 20 kg's, depending on whether the cash was "Old, new, in 50's or 20's or 10's, who cares?, as long as it isn't too heavy to carry, downstairs" and the old 'Rabbi' was 'Prancing and Dancing' around his room as he sang to the little 'Ditty' he had made up in honour of the occasion.

He DID feel a sense of guilt about handling such a sum of money on the 'Shabbat' for HE (above all others) would surely know that it was an offence to be thus occupied on this day, however, like ANY one of us, one can always find an excuse for one's misconduct, particularly if one envisages an advantage to oneself by such actions.

He convinced himself that "Under the circumstances, I am sure the 'Good Lord' will forgive my transgression, HE knows that I will do a lot of 'Good' with the money, I will be more able to 'Help' the needy, I am not an extravagant man,I am always ready to offer sympathy to those who need it in times of trouble" and he continued with the mental formulation of reasons which would excuse his conduct whilst at the same time, continued to 'Prance and Dance' with his arms 'Akimbo' as his shadow flitted around the walls of the room since the only lighting was from the small 'Standard Lamp' atop his desk.

In the midst of yet another 'Ditty' he was singing, the telephone rang, it was 'Marina' and the 'Rabbi' happily informed her that he was in possession of the cash and that he had checked it and was in the process of packaging it, 'Marina' voiced some concern about the 'Security' of sending the money with a 'Stranger', she asked the 'Rabbi' if he was sure that his driver could be trusted.

"Not a problem my dear" said the 'Rabbi' reassuringly, "You have already met the young man, he is honest and trustworthy AND, he would do anything for me since he thinks I will help him find work, he wouldn't even charge me for the last trip he made' I am sure he can be relied on".

"Do you think it might be a good idea to have him followed by somebody, just in case he runs off with the money?" she asked.

"Not at all" replied the 'Rabbi', "He has no idea of what is in the old cardboard box he will be delivering, it will be well sealed and the contents covered in old Magazines to fill it right up, the box will weigh about 20 kg's and will be quite easy for him to handle BUT, I think it might be wise for you to follow him back, just in case he gets curious about what he has collected".

"Agreed" replied 'Marina', I think you are very wise, the less attention we draw to the business, the better, when do you think we should make the delivery?".

"I will phone 'Chris' NOW and see if he is available tonight" said the 'Rabbi'.

"Oh no Sir", urged 'Marina',"The place we are going to is quite dark at night, I was a little afraid last night as there were people outside the public house, as it is Saturday today, there may be more of them and something might go wrong, do you think it might be better if we waited until the morning to take care of business?".

The 'Rabbi' liked the 'Caution' displayed by 'Marina', he felt she could be trusted and THAT was a strange emotion for him, perhaps the fact that it was not HIS money which was about to be transported, allayed his fears of deception, perhaps it was the softness and trust conveyed to him through the voice of 'Marina' Or, more likely, 'Blind Greed' which caused him to relax his inbred natural tendency to suspect that danger lurked wherever he ventured, whatever it was, even 'Divine Intervention', he felt quite at ease, not a 'Twitch' nor a 'Vibrating Knee', all was well with the world tonight.

"I will phone 'Chris' right now" said the 'Rabbi', "Can you phone me back in half an hour and I will let you know of the arrangements?", 'Marina' agreed and the 'Rabbi' was straight on the phone to 'Chris' (who was actually anticipating the call)

" Hello 'Chris' how are you?" said the 'Rabbi' when 'Chris' answered the phone, "I have another job for you in the morning my boy, I want that you should take for me a box of magazines to the place you were at last night and pick up some stuff to bring back, can you come around in the morning about 'Nine O'clock?"

"Oh Sir" answered 'Chris', "Is usually for me to go to my 'Church' in Sunday morning, if is possible I like better to go for you in afternoon after I finish from the 'Church".

"Can't you miss it for once?" snapped the 'Rabbi' "it is very important that I make the delivery".

"It is very bad for me to miss my pray to my Mother and Father" replied 'Chris' "I think so I can finish and come to you for maybe 11 O'clock, is alright like this?". said 'Chris.

"Well I suppose it will have to be" said the 'Rabbi' fuming a little "But try and make it earlier if you can, I've got a very busy day in front of me and I need this delivery out of the way as quick as possible".

The 'Rabbi' slammed down the phone, he did not like to be disappointed and when 'Marina' phoned she too said that 'Chris' should have been a bit more enthusiastic about helping him.

"Never mind Sir" said 'Marina', "We will arrange for the delivery and collection to be made at 1 O,clock tomorrow afternoon, how does that sound?.

"It sounds aggravating, but it will have to be like that I suppose, I hope the boy enjoys his 'Prayers', he will be praying to me soon enough when he comes round begging for more work, I'll talk to you again in the morning".

The 'Rabbi' was not very happy BUT, the fact that there seemed to be no pressure from 'Marina's' end, somehow calmed him down and (apart from the slight 'Twitching of his neck as he was on the phone to 'Chris' receiving inconvenient news, he was able to return to the task of Packing the box ready for transportation, he did not 'Prance and Dance' now, the spring had been taken out of his step since he did not manage to arrange matters entirely to his own specification.

Leave the man alone, he probably faces a night of restless sleep, he should 'Pray' for the 'Lord's' forgiveness BUT, there are too many other things on his mind at the moment.