I contacted Jimmy and together we devised a plan which would ensure that he would be ensconced nicely in my apartment during my absence and that the rigours of the coming winter weather might be less of a problem for him.
The 'Plan', was so simple it had the pair of us in stitches (with laughter) and , craving your indulgence, I would like to share the caper with you good folk.
Firstly, one MUST appreciate that 'The Sloanies' (who were in attendance at my leaving party) are a little below par when it comes to those matters which call for a little common sense, you see, they are mostly concerned with their 'Privileged Existences' and anything outside of that which they perceive to be 'Normal' is quite beyond their comprehension, they regard the general populace as inferior to themselves and refer to them as 'The Prols' (an abbreviation for Proletariat, or those who have to work for a living) not realizing that by being so sneeringly dismissive, they completely underestimate the intelligence of them.
And so to the 'Plan'........ Armed with a handful of dark 'Olive Stones' (nicely sucked so that enough remnants of the olive remained in order to maintain a dark appearance) I withdrew to the kitchen and scattered them under the sink unit, then, waiting until one of the precious little darlings went into the kitchen, I followed and immediately gasped "Oh my God, did you see THAT ?", she shrieked and said "See WHAT ?", to which I replied "I think it was a RAT !, it seems to have run behind the units".
Needless to say, the apartment was in turmoil, skirts were lifted (they very often WERE, but for different reasons
) and almost everyone scattered hurriedly towards the exit and I was soon left with only one or two of the permanent residents.I went to the sink unit, opened the doors beneath and recoiled in horror "Rat Droppings" I declared and the residents took two paces backward.
Now such an event in THESE apartments would be viewed with great alarm, quite apart from the fact that no such thing had ever been known before, can you imagine what the neighbours might have to say about it ?.
I immediately contacted the 'House Warden' and he was aghast at the prospect of having to explain how he could have been so careless as to have not seen the evidence of infestation before, his job would certainly be forfeit if word got out and how grateful he was to ME when I assured him that I would take care of the matter.
I contacted 'Jimmy' and he obligingly attended suitably attired as an 'Infestation Inspector' carrying a large holdall which he placed on the kitchen floor.
Kneeling before the unit, he opened the door and inspected the droppings, he then actually picked one up from the floor and, placing it in his mouth gave it a little swirl around his tongue "Yep Guvna" he said "Them's Rat shit awl'right mate, an' it ain't gonna be n'easy bleed'en job ta get ridda tha' bleed'ers".
Well folks, I took charge of the situation there and then, I stressed the importance of discretion in the matter, received the assurance of the 'House Warden' that Jimmy would be paid handsomely for his services and that it was imperative that he should remain in residence throughout my absence (which may well be until mid January).
Such a simple ruse folks, Jimmy really laughed when I pointed out that it looked quite disgusting when he placed the Olive stone in his mouth, "C'or blimey Guvna" he said, "Ev'n if tha' wer' bleed'en real rat shit, I STILL would'a dunn'it fer you mate, co's yer a Cooshty Moosh !"
Thus my friends (and you good folk) justice has been done (and been seen to be done) to one of the lower echelon of 'PROLS'
