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[chrisp]

I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse. I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.


David Cameron has announced he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.
From next week the forms will only be printed in English.


I've designed some three quarter length baby wear for black babies.
They're called kneegrows


A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her fanny on her wedding night so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence. After an hour in bed with her he said "How far across the f**king field were u before u realised it was caught"


The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 Million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil


I was feeling down earlier so I dipped my Muslim friend in bleach,
I thought I'd try to lighten Mahmood..



Wife says to husband "u only ever want sex when ur drunk"husband says "thats not true....... sometimes i want a kebab"


My son asked me today what's the difference between a crow and a blackbird.
I told him crows have heavier beaks and fan shaped tails.
A blackbird has big rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a massive arse



Teacher to class: "Children, we are all descendants of Adam and Eve"
Pupil: "But Miss, my mummy & daddy said we came from the apes."
Teacher: "Stay out of this one Leroy, I'm not talking about your lot."



I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great!
She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.



After no dates or sex for 5 yrs a woman goes to see chinese expert sex therapist Dr Chang.
He says "harro! take off all your croase, get down & craw reery reery fast to otherside room"she does,"ok craw reery reery fast back"
As she did Dr Chang shook his head."Yr probrem vewy vewy bad, worse case Ed Zachary disease I ever sor, dat why u get no man"
She says "God whats Ed Zachary disease"
Dr says "its when your face look Ed Zachery like your arse



Why is it whenever you see a fit blonde eating a banana you think of a porn film but when you see a black women eating a banana you think of the discovery channel.


A blind man went 4 a job in a wood yard saying he could identify any wood by its smell.
They tested him on different types & he guessed right every time.
To catch him out the secretary laid naked on the floor with her legs open.
He sniffed & said he wasn’t sure & asked 4 the 'wood' 2 b turned over, he sniffed again & said:
"You can't fool me, it’s an old sh!thouse door off a fishin’ boat!



Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya.
They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand and one full of cement..it was a mortar attack.



The missus asked if she pleased me in bed?
I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . . . "What trick?" she asked?
"The one where you shut the f*ck up and go to sleep!"


Fernado Torres..... Not as famous as his brother Clit



A geordie and a Yank aid worker are helping out in japan
Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?"
"No," he replies, "newcastle"
"What State's that in?" asks the Yank.
"Pretty much the same as this f*ckin place!



An assortment of guns and a stash of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstacy have been found behind the Job Centre in Liverpool.
The locals are said to be in a state of shock........;They had no idea they had a job centre!



Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back , his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees,
Apparently she'd stood him up


A man approaches a young woman in a shop. he says i can’t find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes? the woman says sure but do you have any idea where your wife is?
Not a clue he says but whenever I talk to a woman with tits like yours she appears out of nowhere!


The Japanese government have thanked Britain for the rescue
dogs they sent out .
They said they were delicious!


My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.
It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles and my c*ck out, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!!