Cyprus-Forum.com

[fig head]

you think CF mad read this

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How To Pick Up Chicks

Due to my recent reintroduction to bachelorhood and a four month absence of a social life, I have started looking towards Hollywood for new ways of meeting women and getting them to like me. I've realized that the most important thing to do is to not have a legitimate well-paying job. This is an absolute no-no and will immediately get you cast as the villian. Also, shaving and wearing nice clothing are both big turn offs, as are full beards. Death threats or murder attempts will greatly increase your chances, as will musical talents.

Here are the things that Hollywood has taught me about how to pick up chicks:

1. Steal cars. Nothing "drives" a woman into "high gear" faster than a man who can use automobile terms in his sexual innuendo.
2. Carry a giant sword, kill thousands of British soldiers, and threaten to kill the woman's husband, the heir to the throne of England.
3. Replace your weak human skeleton with a cybernetic skeleton, travel back in time, and try to kill the woman. When that fails, travel back in time again except this time, protect her son from mercury poisoning.
4. Go to prison for five years and when you get out, rob her boyfriend's casino of one hundred sixty million dollars.
5. Do not have a job. Instead, travel along a river and play guitar. Also, grow your hair into a pony tail and have constant stubble. Having previously been an undercover cop in a high school helps.
6. Kill a New York police captain, run to Italy, find a girl walking down the street, then go tell her father that you want to marry her or you will kill him. When you are through with her, blow her up with a car bomb.
7. Carry a guitar case full of guns and kill every man you see. Apparently, when you are finished, she will have no choice but to be with you.
8. Sneak your way onto a giant boat, make up some bullshit about being able to fly, and then freeze to death in the arctic ocean.
9. Grab a friend, sing a song to a stranger, then follow her into the bathroom and offer to have sex with her on the sink. It also helps if you have previously been a pimp, race car driver, or spy.

and the absolute best way of picking up chicks...

10. If the woman's father doesn't like you, bring him to an orbiting asteroid, set a nuclear weapon, then take off before he can make it back to the ship.
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Masturbating on Skype with Mum


22 years of drug experimentation, alcohol abuse and, according to mum "a conga line of skanks falling out of your bedroom" has led my parents to not expect a vast amount from me in terms of good, or even acceptable, behaviour.

But a boring, hungover session at the computer led to a situation so horrific I can feel the blood flooding my cheeks as I write it, and led to what must have been mum's last shred of hope in me ever becoming anything good flying out the window.

Yesterday I was surfing tube8 for some handy masturbatory aids (midget hunchback men, right? Hurr durr...) and clicking between two different movies. Our internet had slowed to a crawl for whatever reason and I was becoming increasingly irritated at the apparent dislike the "little red worm of loading" had for moving to the right across my screen.

Every time I began to get into the flow of things the movie would stop and sputter like the actresses involved were having epileptic fits. The fact my audio jack is also fucking out led to an unusual syndrome where all I'd hear for 20 seconds was a muffled electric buzz before "FUCK MY NINETEEN YEAR OLD PUSSY" screamed out through the house at about 150 decibels.

As you can imagine, it was by no means ideal wanking conditions but, as with alcohol, the bad stuff is better than no stuff so I was doing what I could.

"Jesse gets hot fuck sandwich" froze again as it reached the meagre limit of its loading potential and I changed windows to see if "Sasha first time cumgoblin fuckstick extravaganza" had loaded (sometimes I think those redtube titles are created by a bot that just inserts the word "fuck" into everyday sentences. Seriously... "Bitch gets fuckbath she deserves", anyone?).

So I go to switch between windows when a flickery glob appears in the middle of my screen. I click at it angrily a few times and it disappears, so I forget about it instantly and continue what I was doing, which entailed pulling my penis and sweating, and sometimes both.

About 20 seconds of aggressive masturbation later and the sound resolved itself once more, but this time instead of the usual "I love your cock in my pussy!" exclamation it sounded like a harried and struggling voice calling my name.

"Peter. PETER!"

As if that wasn't offputting enough, the voice sounded familiar. Like, a very bad kind of familiar. Like, the kind of voice that says "Have a good day at school, dear!" or "I laid out your jammies and made you some toast, hun."

Mum?

I minimised both windows and it took me some five seconds to realise what I was seeing. At the end of ten seconds, I had learned a number of valuable lessons.

These lessons include:

1. When your mother calls you on Skype, the "Answer" button pops up on top of whatever windows are playing, but if it's a full screen video then the "Answer" button can be flashing and illegible.

2. When you enable webcam calling, the webcam engages as soon as the call is answered.

3. When your mother calls you, only to find you masturbating vigorously in a dark room to what sounds like the mutant offspring of an air conditioning unit and a transformer, she will have trouble looking you in the eye for the remainder of the call.

4. A fully erect penis can become flaccid in 0.2 seconds when shown a small image of its mother, looking pale and asking "What on EARTH are you doing?"

Having made all of these discoveries, I closed skype and sat on my computer, in some combination of horror, shame and precum. I put a shirt on and tried to return the call. Mum answered, but had disabled her webcam and could only manage "Call back when you're ready dear, I'm just going out". I haven't called back.

The look your mother gives you when she sees you masturbating on webcam is unlike any I have seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.

The moral of the story? There isn't one. I'm an idiot.

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i bloody love it

[paliometoxo]

nastyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy who sent you this fb?;p

[fig head]

nah palio mou it isnt from FB ..

check this websites out
www.ubersite.com
www.boredatwork.com

thats y favorite chit chat, randomers allovers hahaha bloody love them

[paliometoxo]

sweet thanks for the link. am reading through the second one now

[beverley10]

revolting