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by **cannedmoose** » Fri Jul 15, 2005 5:14 pm

The organisers of London's bid have already drawn up an itinerary and
schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced
below......

OPENING CEREMONY

The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native
of the city (preferably from Tower Hamlets), wearing the traditional
hoodie. The flame will be contained in a large chip van situated on the
roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic games, London's competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local 'London' athletes.

100 METRE SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one
in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will
be released from a cage 10 metres behind the athletes.

100 METRE HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, gardens,
fences walls etc.)

HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to
use (claw, sledge etc.) the winner will be the one who can cause the
most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time
allowed.

FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and
jewellery as possible in 5 minutes.

SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The
first target will be a moving police van. In the second round,
competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor
wages delivery man.

BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and
will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints
of Stella while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he
gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and
take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the
home counties on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT
As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the
Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, snorting a line, joy
riding and arson.

THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued
with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round
the course.

SWIMMING
Competitors will be thrown off the bridge into the Thames. The first
three survivors back, will decide the medals

MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot
guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of London.

THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
Peckham Health In The Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing and music by the Camden Community Choir. The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The
stadium will be then boarded up before the local athletes break into it
and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.