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In the year 2008 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and
said: 'Once again, the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see
the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every
living thing along with a few good humans.

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying: 'You have 6 months to build the Ark
before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but
no Ark. 'Noah!' he roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! where is the Ark?''

Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed Building
Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the
need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained
planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is a
development of the site, even though in my view, it is a temporary
structure. We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a
decision. Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for
the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to
clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea
would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was yet another problem. All the decent trees have Tree
Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific
Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the
environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the all the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They
insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued
the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put
so many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority
ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental
impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still attempting to resolve a
complaint from the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled
carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team.The Trades unions say I
can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with
Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm
trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish
this Ark.

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched
across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy
the world?
''No,' said the Lord. 'The British Government beat me to it'.

[chrisp]

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