-Chris Rock
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days."
-Tim Allen
"A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished."
-Zsa Zsa Gabor
"I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."
-Henny Youngman
"You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish."
-Jerry Seinfeld
"A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it."
-Bob Hope
"I don't consider myself bald. I'm simply taller than my hair."
-Thom Sharp
"This is a strange country we live in. When it comes to electing a president, we get two choices. But when we have to select a Miss America, we get 50."
-Jay Leno
"I figure you have the same chance of winning lottery whether you play or not."
-Fran Lebowitz
"Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him for the entire weekend."
-Zenna Schaffer
"It's not that I'm afraid to die; I just don't want to be there when it happens."
-Woody Allen
"I have my standards. They may be low, but I have them."
-Bette Midler
"I've been on a calender, but I've never been on time."
-Marilyn Monroe
"If God meant us to be naked, he would have made our skin fit better."
-Maureen Murphy
"It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it."
-Sam Levenson
"If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?"
-Vince Lombardi
Few more.....................
I know what day of the week you were born. I was so poor growing up. If I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with.
A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
I'm so ugly. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through.
I'm so ugly. My mother had morning sickness, AFTER I was born.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them? He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I'm so ugly. I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
Bubbles x
