It's Weird, but It's Ours
Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Send shipments by car and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
.. English ain't bein' spoke no good no more
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Guys and Gals
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . . February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . let me check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed-even before I sensed it-that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty.
That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a !*&%$! warranty. I'll take their warranty and ....
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have . . Oh God, I feel so ..."
(She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time," Elaine says.
There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Rogers policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
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Fishing
A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole. All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky.
"You will find no fish under that ice."
The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks.
"As I said before, there are no fish under the ice."
The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul.
He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish. Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts.
"I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!" The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?" "No", the voice replied. "I am the manager of this hockey rink."
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KIDS ON SCIENCE
The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams, and class room discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate Mark Twain's contention that the "most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop."
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A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.
We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.
In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.
Clouds are high flying fogs.
I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.
Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.
We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.
Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.
Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
Question: What is one horsepower? Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.
Talc is found on rocks and on babies.
The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found they were stuffed with explosions.
When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
Rainbows are just to look at, not really to understand.
While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.
Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.
There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.
Lime is a green tasting rock.
Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.
A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.
The wind is like the air, only pushier.
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IF MICROSOFT MADE TV DINNERS
You must first remove the plastic cover, but understand that it means agreeing to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). They may, however, smell and look at your dinner. You must tell them how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:
\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat//. You then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.
If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start.
The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners are subject to frequent crashes, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter:
<ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap. This process may have to be repeated, and might solve your problem.
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. Microsoft says these are for future menu items. However, the tray is so large that it will only fit in the largest industrial ovens, forcing many users to upgrade.
Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.
Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
Users get excited about having veggies with their Microsoft dinners, often telling their friends about it, as though this were something new. Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after 1998. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.
The box for the TV dinners is so large that it will not fit in many smaller freezers, and the shape prevents the storage of any other brand of dinners. Microsoft dinners are often not compatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. Calling Microsoft Help will elicit the explanation that your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.
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Ethnic Joke with user-specified ethnicity
These two (choose your own stupid group; I don't want to get in trouble with anyone!) were walking in the forest. They came upon some tracks and started arguing on what left them. The first one claimed they were deer tracks. The second one insisted that they were bear tracks. While they were arguing, they were run over by a train.
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Fowl!
There was this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you," and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets *VERY* quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on. "
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
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TEACHING MATH THROUGH THE DECADES
In 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of the price. What is his profit?
In 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
In 1970 (new math): A logger exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is worth $1.00. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set M. The set C of the costs of production contains 20 fewer points than set M. Represent the set C as a subset of M, and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set p of profits?
In 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80, and his profit is $20. Your assignment: underline the number 20.
In 1990: (outcome-based education): By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? (Topic for class participation: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel?)
In 1996: By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.
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How to Form Your Very Own Silicon Valley
-- By Laura Lemay
Step 1: Go to Menlo Park. Find a tree.
Step 2: Shake the tree. A venture capitalist will fall out.
Step 3: Before the venture capitalist regains its wits, recite the
following incantation: "Internet! Electronic Commerce!
Distributed Enterprise-Enabled Applications! Java!"
Step 4: The venture capitalist will give you four million dollars.
Step 5: In 18 months, go public.
Step 6: After you receive your check, go back to Menlo Park. Find a tree.
Step 7: Climb it. Wait.
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Cows Explain It All
FEUDALISM You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
PURE ANARCHY You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
SURREALISM You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
OLYMPICS-ISM* You have two cows, one American, one Chinese. With the help of trilling violins and state of the art montage photography, John Tesh narrates the moving tale of how the American cow overcame the agony of growing up in a suburb with (gasp) divorced parents, then mentions in passing that the Chinese cow was beaten every day by a tyrannical farmer and watched its parents butchered before its eyes. The American cow wins the competition, severely spraining an udder in a gritty performance, and gets a multi-million dollar contract to endorse Wheaties. The Chinese cow is led out of the arena and shot by Chinese government officials, though no one ever hears about it. McDonald's buys the meat and serves it hot and fast at its Beijing restaurant.
Bubbles x
