by Mills Chapman » Tue Feb 05, 2008 2:50 am
I hope this helps Sophia and anyone else in a similar situation. (Also, I think Michael Coumas's post on page 1 is full of wisdom.)
Ten ways to know you’re in love:
• You actually want to meet the parents.
• You’re willing to explain why you don’t want to date others.
• You’ll ditch your little black book.
• You breathe easier when he or she is around.
• You hum love songs under your breath.
• You’re full of energy.
• You would willingly go somewhere you hate.
• You’re willing to save if you’re a spendthrift and spend if you’re chintzy.
• The idea of doing nothing together sounds terrific. In the early stages of dating, there is a hunger to discover who the other person is, but this time also feels scary because they may not be what you thought or – even worse – you may not be what they’re looking for. Even though the stakes aren’t very high at the beginning, we feel that they are, so we play at dating, and one of the easiest ways to play is to do something at all times – either publicly or privately.
• You’re willing to risk being yourself.
Communicating about marriage and other massive decisions
Make no permanent plans, such as marriage, living together, or buying a house for at least six months. Nine months is the point when most couples know if a relationship is meant to be. Most proposals occur about that time – or a year or so afterward.
Questions couples should ask before marrying
General
• Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?
• Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?
• Does each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?
Money and work
• Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals?
• What is our ultimate financial goal regarding annual income, and when do we anticipate achieving it? By what means and through what efforts?
• Do you have any debt?
• Do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?
• What percentage of our income are we prepared to spend to purchase and maintain our home on a monthly or annual basis?
• How much money do we earn together? Now? In one year? In five years? Ten? Who is responsible for which portion? Now? In one year? Five? Ten?
• How do we decide what money is mine, yours, and ours?
• How do you feel about credit cards?
• Would we have a joint checking account or separate ones?
• What are our categories of expense (rent, clothing, insurance, travel)? How much do we spend monthly, annually, in each category? How much do we want to be able to spend?
• How much time will each of us spend at work, and during what hours? Do we begin work early? Will we prefer to work into the evening?
• If one of us doesn't want to work, under what circumstances, if any, would that be okay?
Ambition
• How ambitious are you? Are we comfortable with the other's level of ambition?
• Would you move to a different state for a promotion?
• What are your job goals for the future?
Health habits
• Do you have any current medical problems?
• Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?
• Is each of us happy with the other's approach to health? Does one have habits or tendencies that concern the other (e.g., smoking, excessive dieting, poor diet)?
Home maintenance and organization
• Describe your ideal house.
• Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?
• Who is responsible for keeping our yard cared for and organized?
• Are we different in our needs for cleanliness and organization?
• Do we eat meals together? Which ones? Who is responsible for the food shopping? Who prepares the meals? Who cleans up afterward?
Friends
• Do we like and respect each other’s friends?
• Are we satisfied with the quality and quantity of friends we currently have? Would we like to be more involved socially? Are we overwhelmed socially and need to cut back on such commitments?
• What are my partner's needs for cultivating or maintaining friendships outside our relationship? Is it easy for me to support those needs, or do they bother me in any way?
• Do you have any close friends of the opposite sex?
Religion and spirituality
• Do we share a religion? Do we belong to a church, synagogue, mosque or temple? More than one? If not, would our relationship benefit from such an affiliation?
• Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs?
• Does one of us have an individual spiritual practice? Is the practice and the time devoted to it acceptable to the other? Does each partner understand and respect the other's choices?
• What will we teach our children about God?
• Have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?
Pets
• How do you feel about pets?
Intimacy
• Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?
• Am I comfortable giving and receiving love sexually? In sex, does my partner feel my love for him or her?
• Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?
• Are we satisfied with the frequency of our lovemaking? How do we cope when our desire levels are unmatched? A little? A lot? For a night? A week? A month? A year? More?
• Will there be a television in the bedroom? In the house?
Children
• Do you want children?
• If so, when? How many? How important is having children to each of us?
• How will having a child change the way we live now? Will we want to take time off from work, or work a reduced schedule? For how long? Will we need to rethink who is responsible for housekeeping?
• Do you believe children should be home schooled, taught in the public system, or in a private school?
In-laws
• How is your relationship with your family?
• What does my family do that annoys you?
• Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?
• What place does the other's family play in our family life? How often do we visit or socialize together? If we have out-of-town relatives, will we ask them to visit us for extended periods? How often?
• If we have children, what kind of relationship do we hope our parents will have with their grandchildren? How much time will they spend together?
