Cyprus-Forum.com

[Shipwreck]

Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or ouji board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in it's third week and as I am unsure how the scoring sytem works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on it's side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortuneatly they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this. after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no ther purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a clawhammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain sir, your obedient servant
?????????

*****************************************8

Mr ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards

PC ???
?????????????
Community Beat Officer

*****************************


Dear PC ?????

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Leith Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills. In the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street , I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch behind the Citadel or the one at DKs are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Albert Dock.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on ??? ????. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.

Regards
???????

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department.

[pantheman]

this is just typical UK life sadly. No wonder everyone and his dog wants to leave.

You see a crime being committed and the cops ask you to make an appointment, jeezzz

[webbo]

Brilliant piece of writing. We need more like him on this forum. Pity it was such a serious subject, though going by my experiences both here and back home, typical police action!

Bubbles x

[DINOS SKALIOTIS]

YOU DO HAVE TO GIVE BRITISH POLICE FULL MARKS FOR SHOOTING INNOCENT BRAZILLIANS ON THE TUBE THOUGH! THEY`RE UNBEATABLE AT GETTING IT WRONG!

[webbo]

Another guy with the gift for writing and a sense of humour .

This was copied from a newsgroup posting. The author is responding to
a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom:

Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that
caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him.

Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare us guys ever hit what we're
aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee and then
just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something.

You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's
penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall
because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the
toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of
toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling
'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.

After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer
allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down
and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay.
Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and
either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet
because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my
sleep.

Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but
because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a
classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real
problem, and you ladies need to be understanding.

It's the dreaded "morning wood". Most mornings us guys wake up with
two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you
could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you
can't get that thing to bend, and if it won't bend you can't aim,
well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over
the wall paper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women
insist on putting on the toilet.

And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the
friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have
to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try
to control our less than perfect aim. Now sometimes, when you're
newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this)
you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to
stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat
stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy
starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes
flying down and tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will not
lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy; it's just not safe.

I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I
told her... look, it won't bend. She said, "so sit down like I told
you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the
toilet with "morning wood". Well it's is very hard to get it bent
under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all
over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room.

Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down
under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from
the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the
bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the
back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you
keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.

I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning
urinary dilemma is to assume the flying Superman position laying over
the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect
balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get
all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to
blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom
cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our
control. It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.

[Sega]

The UK certainly has it's good points but then again it has it's bad points. I remember like it was yesterday how it was, jobs terrorising the streets, police men focusing on silly things like parking on double-yellows instead of killing crime. It's all just a mess over there, but at least I got paid well .