I do not accept any responsibility for the accuracy of this report.
This report contains Adult Language and if you are under the age of 18, Parental Guidance is recommended, unless you are a Cypriot, then the age goes up to 35 years old. !!!
Read at your own risk.!!!
Reporter (R): President Talat, how do you feel meeting his Excellency, President Papadopoulous. You had the chance last month to meet him but due to cancellation of a “friendly football game” against Luton, you called off the meeting. I trust there are no International football games scheduled for tonight in the “TRNC” to distrup tonight's meeting.
Talat (T): I feel very honoured in meeting with Mr. Papadopoulous . I think we should have met much sooner, but due to certain circumstances, we were not able to, but better late than never.
R: President Papadopoulous, are you excited meeting your counterpart and do you believe this is the moment to get the peace talks to go forward.
Papadopoulous (P): Yes, I'm very excited meeting the Leader of the Turkish Community and I feel it is time to try and work out a peace agreement between the two communities, so if you would all excuse us, we would like to go for our private meeting and we will be glad to share few moments with you all, after the meeting.
P: President Talat, may I call you Mehmet.?
T. Of course Mr President, as long as I can call you Tassos.
P: Good, that's settled then. Now, what can I get for you to drink?
T: A lovely Turkish coffee would be very nice, thank you Tassos.
P: We don't have any "Turkish Coffee" here, but would be happy to offer you Cyprus coffee.
T: What the hell is a "Cyprus Coffee".?
P: Oh, it's Turkish coffee, but since you are changing our villages Greek names in the North to Turkish names, we are changing few things down here also.
T: Vindictive bastard, aren't you.?
P: My mother always told me, that "One Good Turn Deserves Another", therefore it's going to be Cyprus Coffee or some "Ouzo".
T: In that case, I take a glass of "Raki".
P: Mehmet, you’re trying my patience man. No wonder we don't seem to understand each other.
T: We understand each other Tassos, but we must keep our Turkishness you know.
P: Yeh, yeh, I know.
P: Look, I have ordered some food for us to eat. I got some pork chops, pork sheftalia, and some pork souvlaki. I figured we can both "pig out" before we start the meeting.
T: This is what VP is always talking about, that you GC's just do not understand us. Look what you have ordered for me to eat for Christ sake.
P: I’m just pissing with you man. I have some Lamb for us. By the way, did you mean VP from the Cyprus Forum?
T: Yes, the same one. Do you read the Forum Tassos?
P: Oh yes, all the time. Man, some of those characters there are real "prize". I mean, some of those fuckers don't even know what the hell they are talking about. They spend endless hours arguing about worthless subjects.
T: Yeh, I know what you mean. We have some on our side who are total idiots. Some mean well, but do not have a clue of the real situation.
P: Which GC members do you find annoying on the Forum?
T: Well, there are quite a few, but I would like to kick Piratis's ass for sure. I mean for fuck sake Tassos, how many times do I have to read the same shit about the Ottomans going back 400 fucking years. Enough already. What was done back then, was done.
P: I know Piratis and he really is not a bad person. He just wants to draw similarities of the past with the Ottomans and the Turks of Turkey today, that's all, and as soon as he gets a lot of abuse, he goes back to 1571 and beyond, as far as 3,500 years. Give him that, he’s got a long fucking memory.
T: I know Tassos, but the guy never gives up. No wonder mrfromng hates this guy. Piratis has to be one of the most hated guys on the forum by the TC members. I think Sotos comes second for always posting the TRNC flag with a piece of shit on it. I mean Tassos, what kind of disrespect do you call that.
P: Yeh, I know what you mean, but you guys piss him off, so he likes to piss you guys back. I tell you what I'll do. I'll have a word with Sotos to stop playing with SHIT, if you talk to VP about giving us a fucking break on the "levelling the fucking playing field". What the fuck is he talking about or does he want to build another airport or what. I mean, you don't have enough planes landing at Ercan as it is now, so what the hell is he talking about.
T: Once again VP is right, that you GC's do not see our plight. VP is not talking about building another fucking airport you old fool, he is talking about improving our economy, but your administration is always putting roadblocks in our way.
P: Temper, temper boldy. It is my job to stop you guys from improving your lives. What do you think you will all do if I gave you everything you guys asked for? If I let you have everything you asked for, then you will come and say, “Thanks a lot Papadope, sucker, we now want Partitition”. You don't think I know how you guys think in the North and Ankara.
T: Man, you sound just like Pyropolizer. I mean this guy thinks he can read us like a fucking book.
P: Pyro is a good man. So, is he wrong Mehmet?
T: My hands are tied Tassos. You guys are pushing from the South and Turks are pushing me from the North. I'm stuck between a “Rock and a Hard place”, or between a “Greek” and a Turk for fuck sake.
P: This I do understand Mehmet, but what choice do I have. If I make the lives of the TC's comfortable as you all want, then I will get a lot of shit from all those in the South. So you see, it is not that easy for me either.
T: Yes but look at your situation. You have world recognition, in the EU and coming soon, the Euro. We are still playing with the Turkish Lira for cry’n out loud. How about a little help from you guys, to make my job to be a little easier.
P: Listen Mehmet, No Unification, No Political rights for your community. Just like Piratis says, "you give us our rights and we will give you yours". We want all the refugees who want to, to go back to their homes and you can have all the rights you want.
T: How the fuck are we going to do that Tassos. I mean, some of their land has been developed on. Don't you think I have tried very hard to meet you guys half way? I mean, as Zan and VP always tell you guys, that it was us that gave the Resounding YES and you guys gave the Resounding NO to the Annan Plan. Now we don't have anything and that asshole Kofi has left office, and now we don't have anyone to take the lead for a settlement.
P: Well, Kofi was an asshole as far as we are concern. That fucker really tried to screw us coming and going, but I taught him a lesson. I went along with his stupid plan until the last minute, then I put some freshly cut raw onion milk on my hands, which upon touching my eyes, I started to cry in front of my people to say OXI OXI to that fucking AP.
T: Oh, so that's how you did it. I should remember that if I ever need to shed some "crocodile tears".
P: Buy the small onions because they are stronger than the larger ones.
T: Thanks for the tip Tassos.
P: Look, I was reading the Power sharing proposals by Kifeas and Kikapu's Federation set up. What do you think. ?
T: Look, Kifeas is a really smart guy. The guy knows what he is talking about and a lot of the times, I will have to agree with his assessment of things, but as for Kikapu, that fucker is an idiot. I mean look, he tries to be fair he says to both sides, but ends up pissing some of our Partitionist off…I meant our Nationalist. No No, I meant our peace loving TC’s like Zan, VP, and a few others. Having said that, I personally would not mind adopting his USA style of Federation, but the problem is, once we have tasted the AP, it will be hard to like any other proposals Tassos.
P : Mehmet, take my advice and forget the AP, because that shit is not coming back…ever, or at least as long as I’m elected as the President of Cyprus, again.
T : You mean President of the RoC, don’t you.?
P : Stop playing word games with me Mehmet, because as far as the whole world is concerned, RoC means the whole island and not what you would like, South of the “Attila Line”.
T : Tassos, haven’t you read anything what BigOz has been writing on the forum, that from now on, what’s in the North is now “Turkish” and what’s in the South is “Greek”. I mean look, you have Greek flags everywhere, Greek National Anthem, and you guys always give your 12 points to Greece during that shitty European “No Talent” Song Contest. When will you allow a singer from the TC side to represent Cyprus.?
P : This may come as a surprised to you, but we don’t even have true GC’s from the island to represent Cyprus. They always find some loooooser from the UK or Australia or some other fucking place, so don’t think that the TC’s have been left out. Besides, I don’t see Ankara offering you to represent Turkey from your community, so why should we.
T : Because you tell the fucking world, that you represent the whole island, that’s why.
P : Well, that is true in what I say, but look at the reality Mehmet. We can’t even go to the North without having to show our EU passports and have only limited time of stay there, can’t work and can’t even go to our homes, except for that asshole Fanos who hates my guts. You guys have given that looser everything he wants, so that he can write shit about me. The only thing we can do, is to visit the Casinos and the Whorehouses. I mean it’s something, but it’s not what I call “my country” in the real sense anymore.
T : So what’s wrong with our whorehouses. I mean, they provide a good service to the community and also stops all those fucking sex crazed Turkish Military guys from hitting on our decent Turkish Cypriot Girls.
P : What do they charge Mehmet for their services.
T : How the hell do I know that Tassos. I’m the fucking President of the TRNC you know. I can’t go to those places. Even if I wanted, I cannot go. I’m sure people like Get Real will take my picture and post it on the fucking Forum, while coming out of the whorehouse.
P : Perhaps we should hold our next meeting in the North, so that you can “show me around a little”.
T : For an old guy, you are a “horny old bastard”.
P : I think we have gone off Topic here.
T : Just like those assholes on the Cyprus Forum. They are always going off Topic.
P : Crazy bastards. However, I have to say, I really fancy Lana. Did you see her picture on the Forum with her Bitch.. ?
T : No Tassos, I don’t have too much time you know. I mean, I have a country to run. It’s not easy trying to get recognition to the TRNC from the EU or the UN. I’m knocking on every fucking door, and no response. Those fuckers at the EU told us we would benefit from our Yes vote on the AP, and not a single thing that is meaningful has come our way from them.
P : Heh heh. Yes I know what the EU and the UN are not giving you guys on what they promised. To be honest with you Mehmet, they were just fucking with you with those empty promises, so forget about them giving you anything. But let me get back to Lana for a minute.
T : For Christ sake Tassos, we are getting screwed by the EU and you are thinking of “some tail”. Go ahead, I knew this meeting was going to be pointless as VP said.
P : So anyway, I call Lana’s bank and asked to speak to her, to see if she can help me deposit large amount of money into her bank. So I said to her “how are you Sweet-Lana”. The first thing she asks me is, if the money is “clean”, then she says, it’s “Svetlana” and not “Sweet Lana” you old fool. I said, what ever happened to Trust & Compliments. I was just trying to be nice to her. I mean, oh, what a Bitch.
T : Yeh Right. She probably knows about your funny dealing with money and that you can’t keep your trousers zipped up. By the way, speaking of money, what percentage will be our share of future oil money.?
P : What future oil money.?
T : Don’t fuck with me Tassos. We have just as much rights to that oil as you GC’s. Don’t piss us off again by not wanting to cooperate, or else Turkey will kick some ass..
P : As long as you want to be separate from the RoC, then you don’t get any. Besides, VP said you guys don’t want any money from us and if you find oil off the coast of the “TRNC”, that the TC’s will keep it. Of course, he does not realise, that we will claim that oil also, since you are not recognised and we are..
T : Forget what VP says. He’ll agree to anything as long as GC’s do not move to the North and start speaking Greek around him or his children.
P : He needs a good kick up the ass. I’m sure Kifeas would love to that for him, although Kifeas thinks, VP is a she, so I don’t know how that would work out.?
T : VP is a he. Trust me, I know. If Kifeas did that, then we’ll send BigOz down to kick all your asses. He is 6 feet 2 you know.
P : Yeh yeh, I know. If he told us once, he told us a thousand fucking times when he first joined the forum. I hear he is a good pilot.
T : He’s good all right. I wanted to fly to Ankara once and the last plane for the day had already left, so I asked him to fly me there. So we get into his small plane, then he tells me that we need to drop some leaflets over Kyrenia to advertise his brothers Bar. I tell you, I get no respect. I’m the President and I’m dropping free fucking drink coupons from the sky.
P : That seems to be the habit with you TC’s and Turks, dropping leaflets from the sky, just as they did before the invasion in ’74.
T : That was for your own good and it was an Intervention and not an Invasion.
P : What ever. Why didn’t you come and fly out of Larnaca Mehmet. This is still your country you know.
T : Yeh Right. I fly out of Larnaca to Ankara via Greece, then get hanged by my balls with the Turks when I get there. No thanks, I rather fly with BigOz, even if it means dropping litter all over Kyrenia.
P : You don’t want to piss Ankara Mehmet. I mean, that little stunt you pulled last year at the Formula 1 in Istanbul while presenting the awards to the race drivers cost Turkey $5 million fucking Dollars. Could have lost all future races there. What the hell were you guys thinking anyway? What, somehow we GC’s do not watch the race and the rest of the world does, so that you can just sneak in and out without being noticed by us. We have people watching your every move Mehmet, so don’t do any more shit like that.
T : I know, but it was a lot of fun. I got to meet the drivers back stage. That was really a big thrill for me. Besides, I was promoting Cyprus for tourism, through the TRNC of course. Why should you have all the fun by meeting world leaders? Anyway, I asked Ankara to do the same thing again in Istanbul last weeks Formula 1, and they said, “in your dreams Mr. Talat. We can’t afford to lose the contract with Formula 1”, so I guess no more appearances by me.
P : Mehmet, let me give you your options as far as we are concerned. You can come back to the RoC and take your place as Vice President, or we give you full recognition for a partition if you take only 18%, or we stay as we are, which would be the same as for the last 33 years.
T : Or we stay as we are until we get recognition and keep all of 37%. VP tells me we can do it within the next 10 years.
P : Yeh right, and Pigs will fly also, just like Miltiades’s pork chop.
T : It could happen Tassos. I mean, we got all our guys on the forum to spread out the word to the world, that we are the victims and not the GC’s through Turkey’s Intervention. We have been the victims since 1960, shortly after the New Republic was born, and before the ink dried on the New Constitution, you guys started fucking with us. If you don’t believe me, ask Bananiot. He’ll tell you.
P : Oh yes, Bananiot. He also hates me, just like that idiot Fanos. Do you know, I really respect these guys who want the best for Cyprus as one community, like Bananiot, Birkibrisli, Miltiades, Kikapu, Cypezokyli, Lena and many others. They don’t seem to mind living together. They seem to be the "True Cypriots" that we need more of in Cyprus to get the island back to ONE nation again, but then you have all the fucking Partitionist on your side and all the fucking Nationalist on our side who really want to screw things up for every body.
T : I was thinking the same thing Tassos. There are some really smart people on the Forum. Take for instance Erolz, BigOz, Piratis, Kifeas, Get Real, Murataga, Nikitas, CopperLine, Pyrpolizer, but all these knuckleheads are fighting amongst themselves for nothing. If they put all their Brain Power to work together, we would have a very strong island economically and otherwise. We could be the “Jewel of the Mediterranean”. But sadly, the past seems more important than the future for them.
P : Sorry Mehmet, but we can’t wait for you guys forever. The RoC is moving forward with each passing day, while you are stuck in the North. If you want to enjoy the future bounty with the oil and our economic success, you need to walk away from the idea of Partition.
T : But VP said, if we are patient enough, we could get our own country to be recognised in the North sometime in the future.
P : VP doesn’t know shit. If we don’t let you go, you can’t go. We are in the EU now, so we can veto anything that we don’t like. How do you think Turkey is going to treat you guys, when we refuse them entry to the EU. Man, they are going to blame you for the rest of your lives for them being stuck in Asia.
T : I know Tassos, but my people want to have a say so in their own future, so we ask for Safeguards, like …50% power sharing.
P : Keep dreaming. I give you 50% Power sharing, and watch me get hung by my balls by the likes of Kifeas and Piratis.
T : So what do you suggest.
P : A True Federation State with a strong Central Government with a New Constitution where we tell the British, the Greeks and the Turks to piss off to their own country and leave us alone. You can have your majority state in the North and we will have our majority state in the South, but under One Fucking Country Mehmet. None of this shit about we don’t want any Greek to be spoken in the North shit. So tell VP to either accepts it, or else he can move to Turkey.
T : So which nation's Federal System do you want to adopt.?
P : I don’t give a shit, as long as it is not Racist, Undemocratic, and does not violate anyone’s Human Rights.
T : Can we keep the Flags on the Mountain.
P : No you cannot. Do you know the number of times Pyro complained to me about the lights effecting his night driving from the flashing lights. The fact that he is a bad driver is beside the point. We got Global Warming Mehmet. We can’t be wasting electricity for Nationalistic symbols man.
T : And how do you propose I tell the Turkish Army to leave. Do you think they are going to listen to me.?
P : No, I do not believe they will listen to you. But you are the ones who got yourselves in that pickle, so you figure a way to get out of it.
T : Well, if you guys did not try to murder us as Zan writes all day long on the forum, then we would not have needed the Turkish Army here to protect us.
P : Sure sure, always blame us for everything. You guys never did anything wrong. God Damn Denktash was too busy having Partition ideas while we were fighting to free Cyprus from the fucking British, and as soon as we did that, what thanks did we get.
T : Well, you and the other entire fucking Nationalist wanted Enosis, so we wanted Partition.
P : Well, you got your partial fucking Partition. Where did it get you. We wanted Enosis and then changed our minds and because of that, those fucking Greeks from the Junta attacked us from one side and Turkey from the other. Talk about getting screwed by our own protectors. As Kikapu’s old girlfriend says, “if you can’t fuck a friend, who can you fuck”. I guess that was true for us.
T : But you did have an Enosis with Greece through the EU.
P : Now you are repeating the same shit the Partitionist repeat on the Forum. That is such a load of Bollocks as some members would say.
T : If we are going to Unify, we need to have Direct Trade and Direct Flight to the North first.
P : No fucking way. Only after you sign on the dotted line first, then you can have all those things.
T : Then take your “peace pipe” and any other peace proposals and shove it where the sun doesn’t shine Pappadope.
P : Then get the hell out of here and go and rot in your psuedo state and see if I care. We will wait for the “change of Power” to take our land back.
T : Christ Tassos, you are talking like that crazy Piratis.
P : And you talk like all the Partitionist on the Forum.
T : I guess we should end this meeting before we say things that will make matters worse.
P : Who gives a shit what you think Mehmet.
T : Up yours Tassos.
Reporter : So Mr President Papadopoulous, how would you categorize your meeting with President Talat.
P : I think we have made some headway towards a lasting peace. Of course there are many details that still need to be sorted out, but I’m very optimistic, that we can over come these minor issues. I see the Turkish Cypriots as my brothers and sisters and we would want to do all we can to re unite our country together, so that we are once again, a family.
R : President Talat, do you share the same optimism shared by President Papadopoulous, and if so, what is the next stage in negotiations.
T : Yes, I am also very optimistic about the future of the two communities and our island. We do have some challenges, but if we put our hearts into it, we can achieve a lasting peace. I was honoured to have this meeting with the President. It was a historic moment for our people and us.
R : Let me ask you both the same question Mr. Presidents. Does that mean we can pop the champagne bottles soon……………… ( silence ) ………….. I don’t think my questions are getting through to them anymore. I think we are having a technical problems. Mr. Presidents….Mr. Presidents….Mr. Presidents…can you hear me…………………they’re gone………..........assholes.!!!
