We have identified some distinct types of drunken text that you should all be familiar with:
1) The "fishing" text.
This text is normally along the lines of: "So wot u up 2 later?" or "U out tonight?", or simply "Ocean?"
Despite appearing innocent at first, this type of text is far from it. Sent at 3am, this generally should be translated as:"Im drunk, horny and haven't pulled tonight. Where is my back up shag? I wanna come round and jump your bones right now!"
Typical response rate is around 10%. The determinates of a successful "fishing" text are alcohol levels in the person receiving the text, how filthy they are, and your marginal propensity to sleep.
A "fishing" text is at its worst wen sent to an ex. Just dont do it! Remove her number from your phone, or, do what i did, simply put "No" after/b4 her name in your phone book as a gentle reminder to avoid embarrassing yourself.
(Apparently the aussie's have got this sorted. You can ring up a company b4 you got out and have a specific number barred from your phone for the night! Awesome!)
2) The "T9" classic
For those geeks up on your phone lingo "T9" refers to the predictive text facility found on most mobile phones. Such a programme, whilst useful during the day, can wreak havoc whilst texting under the influence of alcohol.
My personal favourites:
"In supermarket. ****ing steve."
"wish i was inside your gorgeous aunt right now"
The local boozer in town is called the crown, so wen my 'mate dave' asked a particularly nice female if she wanted to meet up:
''fancy gettin food in the crown?''
it inevitably got written as:
''fancy gettin done in the brown?''
"Fancy a dual?"
This last one is also classed as a "fishing" text since, as u may have realised, "dual" should say "****".
Fortunately, the girl i sent this baby to saw the funny side and hadn't been drinking. She sent the following reply:
"Andy, unfortunately i hav no desire to don full body armour, a sword, and a shield, grab my horse and ride over to urs for a "dual". Oh, and i certainly dont want sex with u!"
3) The "friend locator" text
The only type of text to be sent without sexual motivation. Picture the following situation:
You've just met some chick and your mates have ****ed off to leave u to it. At which point she realises your chat stinks and she makes an excuse to go find her friends. U are left alone to fend for yourself. You reach for your mobile phone and attempt to call your frends several times b4 realising they will not be able to hear them ring. Your solution is to send the following message:
"Wher u? Ho on dancefloor" Or some other incomprehensible crap.
This situation is exhasbirated in the following Nottingham nightclubs:
ISIS, Oceana cheese room and The Lizard Lounge, since you have **** all signal and must except the fact u will be paying for the entire taxi fair home, or play that game outside the club where u go up to people u loosely recognise and start asking "lenton anyone?".
Response rate: 0.01%
4) "Declarations of undying love"
No doubt the most embarassing of the drunken texts. Do you recognise any of the following?
"You are the most beautiful girl in the world!" - Ergh!
"I love u!"
"Love you millions"
"Why cant all guys be as fit like you!"
"Missing you!" / "I miss you so much!" (My personal worst - I'm always sending it)
"Im so into you right now."
It should be noted that for no apparent reason the number of kisses on the end of the text increases to some exponential figure. x x x x x x x x x x x x x
Response rate: 0% and by sheer coincidence thats exactly how much sex you'll be getting from her after sending it. And also the amount of respect her housemates will have for u after she shows it to them.
5) "Family texts"
Doesnt happen to many, but to those few who accidentily text the parents, it can be disastrous.
Normally, the parents will have had a phone conversation with you prior to going out so they are on your mind slightly.
Parents most likely to recieve messages are those who are dangerously close to fitties in the phone book. For example: "Dad" will be located near "Dave" alphebeitcally.
My favourites:
"Im c*nted where are you?" (sent by a friend to their mother. They didnt speak for a week or so)
"U wanna stay at mine tonite?" (ooh dear)
and last but not least...Phone sex.
"Ill start at ur nipples and lick my way south untill im licking and sucking ur wet pussy... (you go)"
The above isn't actually an urban myth and genuinely did happen to my cousin. The recieving dad would not let it go lightly and it became his standard party trick to tell in front of other relatives at christmases and birthdays!
6) "Sex text"
It not big, its not clever. For some reason (normally alcohol) we can send the most disgusting of messages to our loved ones. I wont be dsiplaying any!
7) "The Send to the Wrong Person Text"
Unfortunately this typically occurs when you are bitching about someone or saying you fancy someone. Their name sticks in your head when you're about to send to it... and BANG! Wrong person gets the very message they are the subject of.
Although this does have it advantages, because you can do the double bluff. Want to make your ex-girlfriend jealous? Easy send a message to her that was meant for your fictional new hot lover.
Singing Texts
Ever caught yourself texting song lyrics? Shocking really isn't it!
9. "The One Eyed Text"
By 1am focusing has become difficult, darn right impossible infact, but far from detered, your alcohol fuel brain discovers u can remain focused on the message provided you close one eye.
10) The "Shotgun" text.
During pre-lash one member of the group receives a message their phone, but forgets to call shotgun for it. Another member of the group who calls it quickly then gets to reply to the message, whoever it may be!
11) Pre-lash booty check texts
A sister to the "fishing text", the pre lash booty text is
sent in between the hours of 9pm and midnight generally whilst pre-lashing. The innocent "You out tonight?" sent to the opposite sex is again far from it.
It should be translated as, "Just checking your out in case i need to find u for some sex later."
In more serious cases it can be indicitive of stalking and obsession. I advise girls not to send this type of text since this completely hands the power over to the guy and its up to him if you're getting any!
12)The "reminder" text
Normally sent just after 2am to yourself. The "reminder" text is just that. You have realised just how pissed you are and that in the morning you will remember nothing. You therefore send yourself reminders for the morning.
Examples:
"Say sorry to Kelly"
"U lent boycey £40"
"Adam pulled chalmers, check your camera"
"Key is under bin"
13) The "I cant remember her name phonebook addition".
Strictly speaking, this is not a text message. However, I still felt it needed to be added. The "I cant remember her name phonebook addition" occurs at a highly intoxicated moment in the evening when u cant remember the name of the person you've just spent the last few hours talking with / just woken up next to! To spare yourself the embarassment of asking "Whats your name again?", you decide to hand them your phone instead and get them to type it in!!! Works a charm, but they normally figure out why you're doing it!!!!
