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[bigOz]

Below are actual exchanges between pilots and control towers.

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351:"Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

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Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
TWA 2341: "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727 in a midair crash?"

***************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

[iceman]

The following is a transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation in October 1995, between a U.S Navy ship and the British authorities, near the coast of England:

The following transcript was released by the MOD on 10/10/95:

BRITISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south, to avoid collision.

U.S. NAVY: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid collision.

BRITISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision.

U.S. NAVY: This is the captain of a U.S Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: Negative. I say again. You will have to divert YOUR course.

U.S. NAVY: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

BRITISH: This is a lighthouse. Fuck off!!

[iceman]

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,..................................And I didn't land."

[bigOz]

iceman I just found the rest of the thread for these jokes:
O'Hare's Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."

United 329:"Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."
****************

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights, and return to the airport."
****************

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:

Lufthansa pilot (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English):"If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
****************

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635:"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
*******************

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot responded: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for a Cessna 210."

[kafenes]

Here's a funny one.