Cyprus-Forum.com

[IcyNoAngel]

I don't want to start a new thread for every one and each of them, so I will post here everything nice, healty and funny that I find.

===
A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks “excuthe me do you have anywiddle wabbits?”

The shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he is on her level and says “do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft fwuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there?”

The little girl blushes, rocks back on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers, ” I don’t wealy fink my anaconda gives a phuc.”

===
> TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America.
> MARIA : Here it is!
> TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
> CLASS : Maria!
> __________________________________
> TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank?
> FRANK : Because of the sign.
> TEACHER : What sign?
> FRANK : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
> ______________________________
> TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
> JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables!
> ____________________________
> TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
> GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
> TEACHER : No, that's wrong
> GLENN : Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
> ___________________________
> TEACHER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
> DONALD : H I J K L M N O!!
> TEACHER : What are you talking about?
> DONALD : Yesterday you said it's H to O!
> __________________________
> TEACHER : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't
> have ten years
> ago.
> WINNIE : Me!
> _____________________
> TEACHER : Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
> GOSS : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
> _____________________
> TEACHER : Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
> MILLIE : I is...
> TEACHER : No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
> MILLIE : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
> _______________________
> TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
> TINO : Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
> ______________________
> TEACHER : George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
> tree, but also
> admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish
> him?"
> LOUIS : Because George still had the axe in his hand.
> ______________________
> TEACHER : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
> SIMON : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
> ____________________
> TEACHER : Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your
> brother's. Did
> you copy his?
> CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog!!
> ___________________
> TEACHER : Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
> people are no
> longer interested?
> HAROLD : A teacher

===
The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting.
Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.
Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone
Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile
Maid: So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones.

===
"Q: What do u say when u see u're TV floating in the dark?
R: Drop it Nigger !!"

"Q : What does a nigger child get 4 Christmas?
R: Your bike."

"Q: What do u call a nigger on a bike?
R: Thief."

(I'm not racist)

===
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
“Mother, where do babies come from?”
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.
“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”
“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

===
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, "This taste funny to you?"

=== (this one is amazing... )
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food."
The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."


I'll continue tomorrow

[IcyNoAngel]

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine.

He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud:

"Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Gee, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here!

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed, even before I sensed it-that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those bastards

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the rats.

And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their ....

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have ...I feel so ..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that... It's that I...I need some time," Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.) "Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn.

Whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechs he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

[IcyNoAngel]

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer
standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls
the car over to the side of the road and notices that the
farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at
nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out
to the farmer and asks him, "Excuse me mister, but what are
you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out
standing in their field."

===
A Mom is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. "It is not polite."

"OK," the little girl says, "how much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card for adults, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 39."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why is that?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

[IcyNoAngel]

Top 20 Cool Things About a Car That Goes Faster Than
the Speed of Light

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
20 Sleep 'til noon. Still get to work by 8:00am!
19 Doppler shift makes red traffic lights look green.

18 Breaking laws of physics only a misdemeanor in most
states.

17 Never in car long enough to hear an entire Madonna
song.

16 Carl Sagan and Stephen Hawking keep bugging you to
carpool.

15 No one can see you pick your nose while you drive.

14 Lunch breaks in Paris, circa 1792.

13 Holding a harmonic out the window makes the coolist
sounds, and sparks too.

12 You can stop worrying about being sucked into a
black hole driving home from work.

11 You'll be so thin while driving it you can even
wear horizontal stripes.

10 That deer in your headlights is actually behind
you.

9 Kid from Mentos commercial almost guaranteed to lose
a limb if he tries to duck through back seat.

8 Traffic enforcement limited to cops with PhD's in
Quantum Physics.

7 Bugs never see you coming.

6 As long as you're breaking the Einstein's conversion
of energy and mass theory, you might as well run over
Schrodinger's cat too.

5 Can make a fortune delivering pizza with the slogan
"It's there before you order or it's free!"

4 Car makes it from Hollywood to London fast enough to
not arouse suspicions of Elizabeth Hurley.

3 License plate: "Me=mc2"

2 Cigarette butts don't land in the backseat -- they
land in last week!

1. enough is enough.

[IcyNoAngel]

The Titanic is going to be drowned... Everybody in the ship is shouting, crying, running or praying to God. Just then an Italian asks the nearby Sardarji in the ship.
Italian : How far is land, from here?
Sardarji : Two miles
Italian : Only two miles, then why are these fools making noise. I have got the experience of swimming even more. The Italian jumps off the ship into the sea and comes up to the layer to ask something again.
Italian : Just tell me which side, is land two miles from here?
Sardarji : Downwards...

===
How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in the door. "It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down the street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course; all my training came back to me in a minute."
"What did you do?" asks the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

===
A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first x-rated adult video. She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.
When she arrives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape into the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.
"I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static."
"Sorry about, that,"replied the store clerk. "We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"
The blonde replied, "It's called 'Head Cleaner.'"

===
Eve: "Adam, do you love me?" >> Adam: "No." >> Eve (crying): "Then why did you make love to me?!?" >> Adam: "Helloooooo... do you see anyone else around?"

[IcyNoAngel]

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them:
-"It's a illegala to put a 5 people in a Quattro."
-"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.
-"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
-"Quattro is just ze name of ze fokken automobile!" the German says unbelievingly.
? "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons."
? "You canta puta thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer.
"Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people in a car and you are breaking the law."
"I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence zupervisor over!"
"Sorry. He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

===
I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink. I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late. Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."

"Yes?"

"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Ray,'?"

"Sure."

I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat. About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business. A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.

"Hi, Ray," he said.

I replied, "Fuck off, Gates, I'm in a meeting."

===
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said: "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed: "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off too."

The blond opened his lunch and said: "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said: "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

===
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a
smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a
condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues
smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what
brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

===

[IcyNoAngel]

A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"
His father says, "No...how old?"
He says, "I'm eleven!"
He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"
She says, "Come closer..."
She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.
She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven."
He says, "How could you tell?"
She says, "I heard you tell your father."

A dirty old man pulls up in his car beside a little boy.
Holding a bag full of sweets, he says, "Hey kid, if I give you a piece of candy, will you come in my car?"
The little boy replies, "Hell mister, give me the whole bag and I'll come in your mouth!"

A little girl is standing by the edge of a cliff crying her eyes out.
A man comes over and says, "What's wrong little girl?"
The little girl still crying just points over to the edge of the cliff.
The man looks over the edge and sees a car with the little girl's parents mangled in the rocks below.
The man turns round, unzips his fly and says, "I guess it just ain't your lucky day!"

A man goes into a drugstore and says to the druggist, "I need some birth control for my eleven-year-old daughter."
"Is your little girl sexually active?" asks the druggist.
"Nah, she just lays there like her mother."

A young girl goes to her father and says, "Dad, can I go to the prom?"
He leers at her and says, "Sure, but you have to suck my dick first."
Well, the girl really wants to go to the prom, so reluctantly she pulls down his zipper and begins sucking. After a while, she looks up at him and says: "Dad, your dick tastes like shit!"
He says, "I know. Your brother wanted to go too!"

A man is taking a shower with his 6 year old daughter when she asks, "Daddy, what's that between your legs?"
"That's a Penis, honey."
"When am I going to get one of those?" she asked, innocently.
"As soon as Mommy goes to the Mall."

A girl came home from a date. Her mother had waited up for her, and when the girl walked in the door, the mother noticed she had rice in her hair.
"Sally," she said, "you didn't tell me you were going to a wedding."
"I didn't mom," Sally replied. "I was giving a blowjob to a Chinese guy and he threw up on me."

Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass"
The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look".
"Fuck me!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?"
Patient replies I've been fucked by an elephant".
The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous".
Patient replies "He fingered me first".

A man walks past an ice cream stand that advertises, "Every flavor ice cream in the world."
"Bullshit," thinks the man and walks in. "So you say you have every flavor ice cream in the world?" "O.K., I would like three scoops of cunt flavored ice cream please."
"No problem sir." The assistant gives the man three scoops of ice cream in a cone and the man takes a good lick.
Grimacing, he says, "This doesn't taste like cunt, it tastes like shit!" The assistant replies,
"Of course it tastes like shit when you take such long licks!"

A little boy is waiting for his mom to come out of the changing room while shopping with her. The little boy gets bored and when his mom comes out, she finds him sliding his hand up a dummy's skirt. "GET YOUR HAND OUT OF THERE!" she shouts. "DON'T YOU KNOW THAT WOMEN HAVE TEETH DOWN THERE!" The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars that nothing serious happened. So, for the rest of his life, this poor little boy grows up thinking that all women have teeth down below. By the time he reaches 16, he finds himself a girl. One night, while her parents were out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After a few hours of making out and grinding on the sofa, she asks him to go a bit further. "What do you mean?" he asks. "Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" while pointing to her privates. "HELL NO!" he cries. "You've got teeth down there." "No I don't," she responds. "Yes you do," he says. "My mom told me that you do." "No I don't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek. No, I'm sorry" he says. "My mom already told me that all women have teeth down there. "Oh for Christ's sake!" she screams. With that, she whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "Look, I don't have any teeth down there."
He replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums I'm not surprised."

A guy walks into a whorehouse and tells one of the girls he wants a blowjob. The girl takes him to a room and proceeds suck him off without a condom. While she does so, the guy sees a half-full bucket of sperm beside the bed.
He disregards the strange site as he enjoys the best blowjob of his life. A second later, he shoots long lines of semen into her mouth. She takes every drop, but instead of swallowing, she spits the cum into that damned bucket.
The guy wonders aloud, "Don't like swallowing spuzz, huh?"
She wipes her mouth and replies, "Another girl and I have a bet. Whoever fills up a bucket first gets to drink both buckets."

[IcyNoAngel]

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover,
"Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?"
His roommate lubes up his finger and shoves it up Bruce's ass.
He feels all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."
Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out."
So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass.
He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.
He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass."
Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."

Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!" The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where t hey landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?" The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy...any guy who can wrap his dick around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, is someone you shouldn't mess with!"

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket!"

"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley." "So?" the friend replied. "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......

"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

[joe]

I used some of your material on a female companion and she couldn't stop laughing. So, i was wondering, do you have any more material i can use? Ehmm, preferably teacher jokes.

[IcyNoAngel]

joe I'll see what I can do, but until then


A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron.”

The man looks around and doesn’t see anyone. Again, he hears, “Ribbit 9 Iron.” He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, “Wow that’s amazing.

You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, “Ribbit Lucky frog.” The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

“What do you think frog?” the man asks. “Ribbit 3 wood.”

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom ! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn’t know what to say.

By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, “OK where to next?” The frog replies, “Ribbit Las Vegas” They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, “OK frog, now what?” The frog says, “Ribbit Roulette.” Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, “What do you think I should bet?” The frog replies, “Ribbit $3000, black 6.”

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, “Frog, I don’t know how to repay you. You’ve won me all this money and I am forever grateful.”

The frog replies, “Ribbit KissMe.”

He figures why not,since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

“And that,your honor , is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.”